I don’t like writing about my personal life on any level but this is something that I do want to talk about. So basically, like the title reads, I lost my filter for three months and getting it back was a struggle.
It happened in December, mainly because that month was a culmination of all the bad things that could have happened just happening. I know it sounds dramatic, obviously I am exagerating a little, but a lot of shitty things just happened at the same time.
It wasn’t even just from one side as well, it was from both sides of my family and my work life. I got a lovely letter which notified me that I was not having my contract renewed at work and that was just stressful in itself. I was one of many people who got the letter, and because of the sheer volume of us we even had a lovely meeting with our boss – let’s just say that didn’t go well.
My personal shit just hit the fan, I had many responsibilities and honestly it was mad. I guess one of the good things that came out of it all was that my friends were constantly checking in on me and offering me loads of help.
I won’t go into that too much because I honestly don’t want to, but it was a lot. I also went to my first funeral – my grandmother passed away so that was tough as well.
So with everything just happening at once, my coping mechanism was to just stop filtering myself. Growing up, I always got away with saying what I wanted, maybe it was because I took advantage of my parents divorce guilt too much, but some of the shit I said was mad – if I was in any other Somali family I would have got a slap for the shit I said. At some point, thankfully, I realised that you can’t navigate life saying everything that pops into your brain, so I worked very hard at building a filter.
The filter is honestly so good that I still come across as very straight forward and blunt, when in reality I’m just saying certain things that won’t get me in trouble, and covering up everything else. So I get the perks of being seen as blunt and not rude, without actually saying all the horrible things that I would have said in the past.
So, losing that carefully built filter was an interesting experience, especially since I work in an office. I somehow managed to stay working at the same place when the new year came, and it took me a while to realise, but the filter was still gone. It was a weird experience, so to prevent actual problems I worked hard at avoiding any situation that could have led to my big mouth getting me in trouble – I would say I did well, but I did say things I should not have said to people who should not have heard it. I think the worst part of the filter issue is I don’t tend to feel bad about these things. My thought process has always been – if its truly what I feel, then there’s not point feeling guilty about it. I know, I’m an actual dickhead.
I don’t know how I got it back but honestly it’s one of those things that everyone needs to function in an adult society.
TLDR: Don’t lose your filter kids, also this is just a stream of weird consciuosness. If you actually read the whole thing, then wow, how? Also should I write more weird thoughts, or keep it subject by subject?