Sometimes I look back to how I was in school and I’m met with a lot of different emotions. The main one is just embarassment because I was at the height of my angst and honestly it’s cringey looking back at how I processed and acted it out. Let’s just say when I was a teenager, emo culture was real and thriving, I might not have had the darkest eyeliner or a fringe, but my essence was completely emo and angsty.
Now you’re probably wondering, why would I want to punch my younger self since being angsty is fairly normal. Well it’s nothing to do with the actual angst and obvious depression I was going through and more of my younger self was a shitty person and a shitty feminist. I geniuinley thought I was a unique little bean who had the moral high ground in every single way and was extremely judgemental and a general horrible person to be around. Not only was I a hypocrite but I was also very rude – I honestly don’t get how the friends I had at the time didn’t kill me.
I used to scream ‘equal rights for everyone’ whilst also judging women for wanting to settle down and have children. I would think that being ‘one of the guys’ made me somehow suprerior to all the other women around me and used my quirky personality as a way of having a step up from them. Now I know this is disgusting internalised misogyny, but back then I thought it was the way to live. I wanted to be different so much that I actively hated on other girls to get the gratification from boys, I wanted them to see me as cool, and this was at the expense of other people.
It’s honestly weird to look back and think I was actually like that, because now the second a guy tries to say ‘you’re not like other girls’ – I run away. Because whats wrong with other girls? Why does that even come across as a compliment to most people when it involves insulting an entire gender. People aren’t just stereotypes as well, so when we have this school of thought we tend to reduce people to specific archetypes, when in reality everyone is a multifaceted human being!
On top of being a toxic person, I was also very rude to people. Like extremely rude, I honestly don’t know how I got away with it without getting beaten up but I was not a nice person. I would use the excuse of being ‘straight up’ and honest to be a complete dickhead, and honestly that kind of behaviour is not on – there’s no excuse for being an arsehole.