I AM SICK OF DEBATING MY EXISTENCE

Times like this I’m truly happy to have friends who understand the impact of racism and are able to grasp that different intersections have different experience. My heart is warm seeing my South Asian friends promote Black Lives Matter and beging dialogue within their communitiies about why it is so important, however there is a downside to it all, and it comes in the outside world. I’m fully aware that my social media is an echo chamber, I mainly follow those who share the same beleiefs I do and seeing the other side of it makes my soul sink into an abyss.

Through friends having difficult conversations comes them sharing how the other side thinks and lives with it all, how some believe that in our current movement is somehow taking away from them. Like Black people haven’t fought for everyone else just as hard, and when its time to ask for help… it’s difficult.

Then you see the comments from true idiots, the ones who are from a generation that grew up in the age of the internet and still claim ignorance. I used to think that those from white backgrounds who didn’t understand systematic racism and it’s impact on every community were ignorant, but with the way the world works and how they’ve been exposed to different viewpoints through music, movies, comedy and conversation I now just don’t believe that’s the case anymore. Black people are everywhere, and we’ve always been talking about our experiences, you’re just racist.

You then have the ‘devils advocate’ white guy, the one who thinks that encoraging debates makes him somehow educated and at a higher level then us meer emotional mortals, when in reality he just wants a platform to expose his racists beliefs under the guise of an ‘educated debate’. Do you understand how fucked up it is to think that debating someones right to freedom is ok, it’s not. You can’t debate about how someones lives experiences are somehow wrong because you don’t understand them – they’re telling you, you just don’t want to listen because you’re afraid that without the status quo the world will realise that you’re not worth the education or the money you’re making.

I am sick and tired of having to convince people that I am valid.

I am sick and tired of having to have calm debates about traumatising experiences whilst having to make it palatable to a white audience.

I’m sick and tired of seeing videos circulate of people dying at the hands of the people put in place to protect them.

I am sick and tired of people saying this doesn’t happen in the UK, especially after I posted three long threads of ‘proof’ and the proof makes me sick to my stomach. It does happen in the UK, we just have a system and culture that allows people to hide behind the violence, which is arguably worse because people are dying in the same ways as the United States, but we don’t get the same out cry because our people think we’re not the same.

I am just tired of it all.

I’ve chosen not to have debates about racism because at this point I can’t do it. I don’t want to convince you all that it exists since it obviously does, I am a Black Muslim woman who has experienced enough racism and I’m sick of peoples attempts to gaslight me.

Our world is a system that emotionally, physically and mentally tortures us and we can’t even get anything out of it.

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