The Time Me and My Friend Saved a Cat (353/365)

We have another door to door story coming up, it was a truly hectic day for everyone in our group, there were fights, threats and we saved a cat.

Now this tale will focus on the cat because all of the violence that ensued that day can not be told by me, they’re not my stories to tell, and almost every instance was fuelled by racism.. I don’t really have it in me to talk about racism with a level head at the moment due to the current state of life.

So back to the cat…

So it was a standard day of knocking doors in a nicer area, everyone was rude, and me and my friend were getting sick of everyone in the area. We completed out first lap, which takes place around 1-3pm quite quickly and spent a lot of it talking about life. As people are usually working it’s the quiet lap in most areas so usually if you’re with someone you spend a lot of it talking and generally taking the piss if you’re friends.

We met up with the group to have lunch, the day seemed to be like any other day, and for us it was pretty chill.

Our next lap had more people back from the school rush and everyone was fucking rude. Now, at this point we were used to this, but on that day we honestly could not be bothered dealing with people – it happens every now and then and it’s always good to have someone with you when it happens so you can talk things through.

We were getting to the point where we could not be bothered doing any more work and we heard something weird, it was an animal but it sounded like it was in pain. Now, we were knocking new builds so it wasn’t like we were near main roads, the area was quite compact and even maze like. Then we saw the cat, it had clearly been hit by a car and we weren’t sure of what to do, so we checked the cat and it was in a bad state.

We tried knocking near by doors of people, regardless of whether we pitched them or not because a cat was in danger – now people are dickheads and they weren’t nice to us when we re-knocked their doors up until the cat was mentioned. Luckily we managed to get a hold of the neighbour of the cat owner (who was at work), I believe from what I can remember he also had a cat, or a pet at least as he knew what to do.

The cat owner eventually came back and it was a whole ordeal. I don’t remember a lot of it, but only the fact that we were honestly worried about the cat. It sounded like it was in a lot of pain, and I don’t think it would have stood a chance if we hadn’t been on those roads knocking doors that day.

Weirdly enough things like that happen a lot when you take on a job like door to door sales, you’ll end up in situations where you help people, are able to call ambulances and really just make sure people are getting the help they need. It sounds dramatic, but a friend of mine literally had a customer have an epileptic fit in the middle of the sale, and called an ambulance for them.

So, we saved a cat, met up with our group of fellow sales people and although we wanted to tell our story proudly – everyone had ended up in some form of violent situation, or potentially violent situation. All sparked by racist comments… so the day was a bit of a mess for everyone in that area.

Why I Don't Really Set New Years Resolutions (352/365)

I remember earlier in the decade whenever December would come around I would panic and realise that every resolution I had set had been ignored and I would feel a lot of shame. I didn’t drink more water, go to the gym, go to museums or read more and even though I never announced these thoughts, I felt embarrassed. Loads of Youtubers at the time would also speak about their resolutions, and although some would be in the same position as me, others would bask in their achievements, and although I was happy for them.. this added to me embarrassment.

I would always put so much pressure on myself and it never really did anything to add to my productivity until I realised why. Resolutions are like a wish list, things you hope to do without making any active plans on how to make them, so instead I switched my thinking and set goals for the year instead, with plans on how to achieve them. I’d also keep them to myself and they would be personal goals I would want to complete by the end of the year.

The beginning of this decade was a time of great change for me, I entered College and then University so I was dealing with a lot of major life decisions and many issues that teenagers tend to deal with. Amongst all of that crap I realised something… I needed to work on my own self esteem and self image as I was in the dark place 24/7 and this was something that would take a lot of personal work. I didn’t know a lot about mental health back then, but I knew that being as sad as I was wasn’t healthy, so I focused my yearly goals around that.

I wouldn’t say I’m in the perfect mental health head space right now, but spending a good few years focusing solely on my mental health and self image has helped a lot. I went from hating myself, having no self esteem and no self belief to actually believing in myself – which is a shocker. Looking back at how I was around 2010 – 2015, I really needed help, I didn’t even believe in my own intelligence.

Back to the topic at hand..

So whenever the new year would come around I would focus on a few personal goals that I needed to achieve and make plans on how to do them. I find that the resolution mentality never has a roadmap as you say things you want to do, and then hope you’ll suddenly do them. With goals, because of the implication of the word, you kind of have to make a plan alongside it and believe me when I say it helps a lot.

So, as the new year is coming round try to make plans around your resolutions and change your mindset. Instead of having a wish list, let’s spend 2020 achieving all of our goals!

Cutting Down On Chocolate Is So Difficult (351/365)

I wrote a post earlier this year concerning migraines and common triggers, and from what I can remember I did mention how chocolate is a major trigger and sadly one of my main ones. I believe I also wrote something about how I struggled a lot to cut down on chocolate as I love the stuff, I’m a chocoholic and the moment my doctor told me it was a possible trigger, my heart sank. I then conducted a few tests and fell into a little self pity.

So, you’d think after realising chocolate will bring on a migraine or migraine symptoms I would do the responsible thing and cut down, maybe even quit it – well no. I’m a weak mother trucker and I honestly end up having massive amounts in large quantities if I ever restrict myself for a long period of time. I could blame hormones as it’s a huge craving whenever that time of the month is coming along, but I call it my major weakness.

It’s obviously not my biggest one, but I’m not stupid enough to say what that is on the internet.

So in the past few months I started a new job, and with new offices come snacks, chocolates and my basic inability to say no to free food. So I basically went from hardly eating chocolate, to consume large amounts every single day. The fact that I can work from home also doesn’t help because I’m back in the habit of snacking and my corner shop is so close to my house.

So todays post isn’t really meaningful or important in any way, it’s just my way of ranting about the fact that I’m a weak bitch who can’t say no to chocolate and now I’m facing the consequences. Thankfully I don’t really get full blown migraine attacks anymore, but my brain is foggy, the front hurts in general and it’s just not pleasant.

I don’t think I’ve complained about something so redundant in a hot minute, so why not lower the tone on this blog as we only have 14 days to go until the new year. 🙂

Reflecting On How I was This Time Last Year(350/365)

A sea of reflection posts is inevitable at this point, there’s 15 days left of this challenge and not only are we reminiscing because it’s the end of a long year, but it’s also the end of a decade. So the comparisons people are making are hefty and very monumental. So apologies if you hate viewing other peoples self reflection but it has to be done and I hope you understand my need to indulge in a little bit of narcism as we reach the end of 2019.

December 2018 was a weird month for me, from what I remember it was challenging on so many levels and honestly I never want to relive a similar month ever again. It was filled with contract cuts, anxiety over employment, my first funeral and a lot of other personal issues that I don’t want to go into. I tend to block out things that are bad as a weird self defence mechanism, but my emotion of that month was pure anger.

I was pretty pissed off for most of the month and honestly I don’t even regret the outbursts I had towards some people. I remember being particularly cruel to one individual and I don’t even regret it – I feel like my worst personality trait is my lack of remorse for most of my actions. If I stand by it, I won’t apologise or feel guilt, so if you’ve ever received an apology from me, it actually came from the heart.

I also refuse to lie most of the time, whether that’s a good or bad thing is really up to interpretation.

So essentially what I’m saying is this time last year was.. awful. It’s a big reason I started this blog, I knew I needed an outlet and a challenge. Which is why my masochistic brain decided that something difficult would the right way to go… I don’t know why I do this to myself.

So where am I now a year has gone past? Well one major positive is that I’m a little less angry in general, not as many life events are happening at once – karma might be giving me each challenge one by one which I will accept for now. Although I can’t really say everything is suddenly amazing and better because the General Election happened and I’m honestly still sad about it.

However professionally things are going a lot better for now and honestly I feel like the best decision I made this year was leaving a toxic working environment. When your work starts to effect your mental health by being surrounded by toxic racist narcissists – you need to leave. Even if you like some of the people you’re working with – just run away and don’t look back.

So compared to last December, things are a lot better and I’ll take that as a win.

My Twenties Are My Lost Childhood (349/365)

It must be because I’m the oldest girl in an immigrant household, but I didn’t really have a childhood in the sense of bliss, innocence and freedom. I was, like most girls in my situation made to clean and babysit, I was responsible for everyone if my mother went out or wasn’t feeling well. I was essentially the second mother to everyone and I didn’t really get the oppurtunity to be stupid, make mistakes and not be responsible for anyone.

Despite the fact that I do still have responsibilities and even more as I’m working and navigating adult life, I really have taken the oppurtunitiy to live the life I wasn’t able to when I was younger, and it doesn’t always end well. Sometimes I go a bit too crazy and wild, but at the same time I feel like women in my situation should be allowed to go a little wild later on in life, especially when we don’t have a marriage or children to think about. We’re not bringing shame to anyone, and we’re not having to revise for any important exams. We have our own money, freedom of time and movement, and basically a whole world out there to explore.

This post isn’t really going to be a long one, it’s more of a ramble as I don’t have a lot of time to write todays post and I’m facing the consequences of crashing my friends works Christmas party last night. If I wasn’t worried about my family reading this post, I could tell that story, but alas, I can not so I’ll just tease it instead. It was an interesting night and honestly I’m still piecing it together, but it’s also because of that night that I realised that I really am just taking life for what it is and not letting any archaic rules or cultural expectations dictate what I do in my free time.

So for everyone who wasn’t allowed to be a child when you were one, live it now. Just do it, I know it’s not easy and not everyone will understand but it’s honestly good for your soul and your mental health in the long run!

Sometimes You Have To Accept You're Surrounded By Racists #GeneralElection (347/365)

Like many I woke up today gutted with the news that not only did the Conservatives win, but they won by a landslide. Many areas like Wales, Stoke and up North switched to voting Tory and not only was it shocking but it forced a lot of us to accept that the silent majority hold certain values, and those values are not aligned with protecting the NHS, the homeless, the poor, the LGBT community and people of colour. They ‘want Brexit done’ and they want it so bad that they’ve elected an openly everything phobic man to be their leader.

Remember the time when Boris wasn’t PM and everyone laughed at him, we all knew what he was but we all thought he’d never rise to power because even the bigots we lived with laughed at him. Not only because of his appearance but because of what he stood for.

The man has lied, hid in a fridge, avoided a phone recording of the effects of austerity cuts on the NHS, he’s said horribly racist and islamophobic comments openly and was responsible for so many bad things… but I guess the Brexit opinion prevailed.

This is the country we live in, and despite social media being very pro-Labour, we forgot about everyone else. The silent majority, the middle class, the old white people, the poor white people, the changing opinions and how all of these groups truly hated Corbyn, not Labour but their leader. They couldn’t handle what he stood for, and in all honesty Britain has a horrible history of wanting to avoid the truth, and he was too left for them, because ultimately Labour doesn’t stand for the left, and their usual seats don’t vote for them for radical change, they vote through tradition. So when that tradition is threatened they went blue.

Now I guess a lot of us are going to be a bit sad and go in hiding. I know I certainly will when it comes to open conversation about it all, not due to fear, but due to pure anger.

I forgot that the majority of our country doesn’t care about us, and that was my bad, I need to throw away the idea that anything will change and probably prepare for it to get worse. We’re heading into American Trump territory and although we don’t have guns legalised here, the fact that the majorities openly racist thinking may now get legitimised through our PM means we now need to protect ourselves.

Prepare for whats coming folks, because it ain’t gonna be good or fun. It’s going to be awful, and everyones inner racist, sexist, xenophobe, homophobe and islamophobe is going to come out.

Stop Normalising The Idea That You Need To Be Overworked (345/365)

I honestly don’t know which capitalist normalised the idea of being overworked, stressed and depressed due to work, but we need to get rid of it and we need to do it ASAP. I’m only 26 and the amount of conversations I’ve had with friends and colleagues about how much unpaid overtime they do and how their stress is effecting their mental health and for what.. a job? I know we need a job to live and sustain ourselves but you shouldn’t be working yourself to death, and the fact that this is seen as normal really worries me.

Partly because it’s making employers expect us to do the most as a bare necessity, meaning that it’s more difficult to stand out as the expectation is being overworked. The other part that worries me is because it’s causing generations of overworked people who have poor mental health, working a job that they hate to make money to live. You spend more hours at work than you do awake at home, so if those hours are drenched in misery than sadness basically becomes the norm.

What kind of fucking world is that?

No wonder people yearn to be young again and look at their anxious youth with rose tinted glasses.

Let’s stop normalising this, not only is it really fucking with your physical and mental health, but it’s also making your life more miserable than it needs to be.

You rarely should be taking work home with you (emotionally), I know some jobs require this, but if you’re not working a job that does, then leave your thoughts and emotions at work.

You shouldn’t feel anxious or depressed when working.

You shouldn’t feel worked to the bone.

Your work shouldn’t be causing or increasing any health issues.

Life can be difficult, but it doesn’t need to be harder than it already is!

Don't Become Someones Backup Plan (344/365)

You know when it happens, when you get a call, a text or any conversation about an up and coming plan with someone you care about, you guys discuss it and make plans and then it happens. The news you didn’t want to hear or acknowledge… the only reason you were considered is because someone dropped out. Now, I know there are many innocent scenarios where this can happen and to be perfectly honest I’ve also done this to people, but there’s a difference between an occasional occurrence and a habit.

Usually it involves the other person being very upfront about their plans, and how someone dropped out, and in those cases it’s perfectly fine. It’s understandable and you can enjoy the plan, but when you’re a backup plan it’s very different. It’s being contacts about the event and many different plans every single time someone has cancelled on one specific person. It hurts a little bit more when you know you’ll only see them through their flakey friends consistent cancellations, as the only time you’re considered is when this happens.

You can tell this comes from a pretty personal place, and I have no need to really expand on it as I’m already unleashing my needy side. The thing is, sometimes we all want to be more than just a backup plan, and this need isn’t with everyone. Personally my emotional needs don’t extend past a few people in my life, but those people, I will unleash the beast on, in a very healthy(ish) conversation. Since being someones constant backup plan can hurt like a mother trucker and it’s not fair on you to be in that position.

The initial excitement of any plan made becomes tainted and it just leaves you feeling sad, and I am always a promoter of people communicating their feelings and emotions when it matters, whether I practice this as often as I preach it is highly debatable as the conversation is never easy to have, but it’s a necessity.

If this is a pattern after the conversation then just put your foot down. Don’t be someones back up plan, you always deserve better and more consideration. You wouldn’t let yourself be a side man/side chick without being aware, so why be a backup plan?

To Everyone Who Wants To Vote Tory… (342/365)

I’ve consciously decided to not write a lot about the election coming up because I don’t get enough views to make an impact, but also looking into it really hurts my mental health. It’s not even discussing it or learning about it from those I speak to, it’s looking at the online opinions of ignorant racist twats who truly want a vote for the deaths of anyone coloured or poor. As much as I love confrontation, I’ve learnt the hard way that when it comes to politics you’re talking to a brick wall.

Why is that you didn’t ask? – Because people don’t care about other peoples backgrounds, I know… it sounds rough but those priveleged people who choose to vote Conservative know that their policies are targeted against minority groups. They’re not ignorant, they don’t care.

So to everyone who decides they want to vote Tory here is my open letter to you twats:

A vote for Tory is a vote for selling the NHS. For losing our health service and essentially the murder of millions out there who rely on it for survival. I’m not over-exagerating, people will die and it will be your fault.

A vote for Tory isn’t a vote for a good economy, they’ve been in power for a while now and homelessness and unemployment is on the rise, companies are going bankrupt and honestly we’re all a bit fucked.

A vote for Tory is a vote against anyone from a minority background, it’s a vote for the promotion of racism, anti immigration policies that not only hurt millions but continue the idea that anyone who isn’t English is the enemy.

A vote for Tory is a vote for a broken country, a vote for an idiot who will not only continue to ruin the reputation of your supposed great nation, but he will fuck it all up.

A vote for Tory is a vote for the death of freedom, a vote for ignorance to prevail and a vote for the murder of anyone who isn’t earning millions.

A vote for Tory is a vote for a racist, xenophobe, sexist, islamophobe in power. If you want him in power than all of these labels are now yours, you are part of the problem.

I would write more, but it’s a Sunday and I need to protect my own mental health.

If you know me and you’re planning to vote Tory, do us all a favour and block me because you’re essentially voting for the murder of me, my family and everyone who falls into the minority groups I fall in to, and more.

Good bye.

Know Your Worth (341/365)

I’m not entirely sure how to start this blog post, maybe add an inspiring quote or a good introduction. Maybe I should pretend that this website has well prepared high value daily content, but that’s simply not the case and I don’t really enjoy pretending to be something I’m not. Also – the grammatical errors all give it away as I tend to write on the fly and don’t really have the time, energy or patience to edit them. So todays topic is knowing your worth and really valueing your self. I would love to say what inspired this, but that would cause unecessary gossip that I personally can’t deal with right now.

So.. what is your worth? How do you even begin to value yourself in a society that teaches us that confidence is a bad thing. We’re encouraged to be overly modest about everything and although it is a lovely personality trait, when it exists in excess you will get in your own way. You’ll start to believe that you’re not the best at what you do, and you’ll end up struggling to find things that you believe are your strong points. Which then results in you not knowing or believing in yourself.

I made a decision a few years ago to stop putting myself and my abilities down. This was mainly because the more I did it, the more I believed what I said and I didn’t have a strong self esteem to begin with. So that was a slippery self depricating slope that I truly hope more people get off as it’s not fun and it leads to a lot of strange mental health issues and not taking good oppurtunities.

Although I now build myself up, I still struggle a lot with the balance. Sometimes you want to believe you’re the best at something, when in reality you’re not, and other times you believe you’re average when in fact you’re brilliant. It’s like a seesaw, you have to find your balance and take time to honestly evaluate yourself. Look at your strengths, your weaknesses and ultimately what you can bring to the table in all of your ventures.

We’re all very different people, with our own quirks, so really we all bring something unique to every job, friendship and relationship. We just need to be aware of whether what we bring is positive or negative, and really work on your negatives as we’re all humans with a capacity to make changes based on your surroundings.

I guess it’s that time of your for self reflection, even more so as we’re entering a new decade soon and we can measure our personal growth from how we were at the beginning of this decade versus the end of it. Make sure you honestly evaluate your own self, know your worth and strive to ask for more. It’s always hard to get in the mindset of I deserve more because of x y z in a way that isn’t entitled, but at the same time if you truly believe in your strengths you should be able to fight for your own position in whatever you’re seeking.

I’ll end it on this note – know your worth and don’t get in a habit of settling for any less. It’s difficult to go for what you actually want, but sometimes that feeling of fear or anxiety is a good thing, it means you actually care about it.