Goodbye 2019 – My Last Post In This Daily Blog Project (365/365)

Goodbye 2019, it’s really weird to say farewell to not only this year, but this whole decade and it’s honestly been a wild ride. Not only does this mark the end of my daily blogging ventures, but it’s the beginning of many other things in the works. I can’t believe we’re here, this year has both gone ridiculously fast, but also really slowly at the same time.. although that might be because I’ve written many of these posts last minute and that has made every day tangible to me (if that makes any sense).

The year started off with a shit load of anxiety, I was worried about work contracts, realising some subtly racist reasons that I was even in that position. I’ve essentially worked three different jobs.. maybe four if you count a department I supported whilst doing two of those jobs and every job was wildly different. I didn’t really have a lot of long term career thoughts for a lot of the year, especially as I was in an angency that had no path I could take without licking a racist arsehole – so I found an alternative and it’s been good so far.

I’m definitely in a better place now than I was this time last year, I was even talking to my cousin about it all and it’s mad how a year can change things – Yes I’m aware how digustingly cliche’d that whole sentence was, but it’s my last post of the year so please allow me to throw them in as it’s the only time I’m actually allowed to.

Writing this blog was a very conscious decision I made to help me get back into writing and give me an outlet whenever my mental health was waning.. which happens a lot. I realised what happens when I don’t have healthy outlets and that was 2018 in a nutshell, I partied too hard, cried too hard and was generally surrounding myself around weird crowds and even people who took pleasure in my vulnerably angry state. So this year I decided to change that and I’ll go into the next decade with that same energy. As much as I enjoy socialising, I’ll keep it with the right people, as not everyone is worth your time and you really need to go with your gut in most cases.

This year marked many beginnings in my career and personally as I had the privelege of starting a podcast with two of my best friends and it’s been regular and fun to do. It may never reach a million hits, but in all honesty it’s a lot of fun to do and we went in with very pure intentions and a willingness to learn about the technical side of things when it comes to set ups and equipment.

I also started going to the gym at some point which was honestly something I never saw myself doing and although it was fun, I had to take a pause as my brain started to do the thing where it punishes you for not going enough or eating right or seeing results. I’ll probably go back at some point, but I’m not willing to slip into unhealthy habits just to lose a few pounds.. it’s not worth it in my case.

I’ve learnt a few things this year as well, and although I’ve written them down I might as well write them again because it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want:

  1. Don’t spend time with people outside of work if they give you a bad gut feeling.
  2. Don’t always talk about racism around white people, they can’t always handle it and it’s not worth dealing with their emotions.
  3. Spend time with people you truly love.
  4. Tell those people that you actually love them.
  5. Instead of saying you’ll do something, actually do the thing!
  6. It says a lot about someone if they’re not happy about you when you’re succeeding.
  7. Not everyones crazy compliments one another.
  8. Don’t spontaneously decide to live with someone when it’s a dodgy situation and your gut feeling is bad.
  9. Also, don’t do it if everyone you know is telling you not to do it!
  10. If your friends don’t like someone (a friend/partner) it might be worth evaluating why they don’t like them.
  11. Some friendships end and that’s ok.
  12. Sometimes you have say how you’re feeling, you can’t always let it bubble up.
  13. If someone judges you about your movie/music/tv taste don’t bother with them, they’re a pretentious twat.
  14. Not all arguments are worth having, but some are!
  15. Don’t go out with your work colleagues when you’re in the dark place.
  16. When you give out your last fuck over a situation, you’re a dangerous specimen… choose your actions wisely.
  17. It never hurts to be a little petty about things, because some things are worth bringing petty energy into.

There’s probably more to write about what I’ve learnt but that would enter a realm of revealing personal things about me that I don’t feel comfortable including. 🙂

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I still can’t believe we’ve made it this far in this daily blogging journey. That doesn’t mean this blog will cease to exist, I’ll just be posting less frequently and might actually have time to edit it all.

Happy new years and let’s go into the next decade with a more focused, positive and healthy mindset!

Image result for new year anime meme 2020

How To Identify Emotional Manipulation (362/365)

When it comes to manipulation we tend to think about the more obvious kinds, the types that we know straight away are bad like physical or pschological. The thing is, most people practice the art of emotional manipulation every single day and many aren’t even aware of it, which is not only scary but also means that most of us are receiving some form of emotional manipulation or even abuse without even knowing it, or having the right language to describe what it is.

It took me a long time to be able to identify it and now it’s time to share some of my findings, alongside some things I read online because I don’t want to spread any misinformation about important topics.

  1. They make your pain or your experiences all about them.
  2. They open up too much very quickly, now opening up is great and a sign of a friendship being formed, but emotionally overloading you all the time is a bad sign.
  3. They’re always the victim.. always! To the point that your suffering is their suffering and will also become your fault.
  4. Tying in with point 3, they’re also always making themselves out to be martyrs..
  5. They use their sadness as a way to gain sympathy which then leads to a lot of selfish acts and dismissal over your own emotions.
  6. They’ll make you feel bad for voicing your own opinions. They’ll use everything from their mental health to their own personality ‘You know I’m an anxious person, why would you say that?’.
  7. They never take accountability over anything. You’ll never receive an apology and an acknowledgement of them doing anything wrong.
  8. They’ll one up you on everything, both positive and negative.
  9. They’ll criticise you and use your own insecurities against you.
  10. Guilt trips are their best friend and they’ll milk them for all they’re worth.
  11. They’ll also use ultimatums as a means of manipulating you.
  12. They’re super passive aggressive, to the point of using petty actions like the silent treatment and then using statements like ‘you should know why I’m angry’.

How We Police Our Culture And We Need To Stop This Shit (361/365)

If I had a pound for every time my Black or Somali card got revoked I would be a multi-millionnaire.. ok maybe that’s an overreaction but it gets revoked on the daily. I gave up trying to practice my personality in a way that was complicit with the Black and Somali people around me years ago, but I know for a fact that this issue still plagues many of us and honestly we need to stop this. As Black people we’re already policing ourselves everytime we leave the house, we can’t seem too aggressive, wear hoodys without scaring old white people. We get followed, policed and generally treated different to our white counterparts – so why do we spend all of our extra energy also policing ourselves?

We fight against negative stereotypes but then hate on those around us who don’t act Black enough and honestly I’m tired. Actually, I was tired 13 years ago, when I noticed how different I was to the other girls in my mosque and had my first instance of not being Somali enough, which then translated into not being Black enough. Well my eloquent words towards this is – fuck it. Fuck it all.

So what if we haven’t seen every stoner film? – They’re fucking boring and some of us don’t live for weed.

So what if we haven’t listened to every rapper? Some of us like other kinds of music more!

So what if we are dating boys or girls who aren’t the same culture as us? It’s none of your damn business.

Stop trying to fit me into this tiny mold of what you think a Black or Somali girl should behave like! I remember when watching anime and reading manga was seen as unconventional for me.. It’s a major part of Black mens lives but for some reason women did not receive the same kind of love for watching it.

I already know I’ll never be Black enough for anyone around me, and honestly I hope anyone reading this who has been in the same boat finally gives out their last fuck about this situation – life gets a lot easier.

Life is hard enough without us also annoying each other about shit that does not matter. The colonisers already divided and conquered our fricken countries and continents, let’s not let them divide and conquer our lives!

Bandwagon Diversity Isn't Real Diversity (360/365)

If a brand or a celebrity has suddenly decided to give a shit about minority rights in a way that is unnatural, then unfortunately they’re jumping on acceptance of everyone as if it’s a fad. For the past few years issues like racism, sexism, homophobia and transphobia have been called out openly by enough people for a new standard to be set. Now, some people who want to continue hating on us call the outcry and new expectations the actions of sensitive snowflakes, but I’ve already written about why that is wrong on so many levels so this post will be about those who are lying about their interest in minority rights to be seen in a good light.

I’m all up for people growing and changing don’t get me wrong, but I feel like some brands and influencers/celebrities are jumping on this bandwagon in the hopes that their past silence will suddenly be forgotten about. Look at JK Rowling, someone who (after her books were published and serialised) suddenly spoke about how major characters were gay, when in reality what she should have done was actually include this in the canon.. but then again she might not be the best example as she’s horrificly transphobic.

Makeup brands used to ignore the needs of women of colour with their embarassing shade ranges until Fenty beauty happened and changed the standard. Now, I’m all for makeup brands giving everyone options, but some do it in a way where you can tell they’re jumping on the hype and have no knowledege about darker and deeper skin tones – look at Morphe’s release, it had 60 shades, but over half of those were ashy, grey and even orange. What’s the point in looking like your inclusive if you’re not actually inclusive!

You also see this in celebrities who actively speak about race issues, there are so many activists in their space who do it right… and then you have the rest who will at the most retweet something and then suddenly stay quiet. The worst ones are probably the ones who are silent during election time, they’ll be the loudest one any other time of the year except when it matters… I’m looking at most UK celebrities for this. Not many had the same energy as Stormzy, they stayed silent, and now his words against our racist British culture are being warped by the media!

If a well known name or brand is seeing inclusivity as a trend they won’t do it sincerely, they won’t advocate for anyone and as soon as it’s no longer ‘in trend’ they’ll continue to ignore our needs so fuck them.

Fuck them all and their gaze of seeing our issues as a fashion accessory ready to dispose of.

10 Days Left To Go! My Personal Review Of 2019 (355/365)

Wow guys, we’re on the final 10 days of the year, have you managed to get your resolutions from the beginning of the year and assessed how your year has gone?

Personally I didn’t set many resolutions this year purely because my huge one was to write more, and that came about in the form of this blog and although it has been difficult I’m still doing it so that’s been a success at least.

I’ve always loved writing, even though I’m not really good at it. It’s weirdly therapeutic even when you’re not actually writing about what you’re feeling, but the simple act is somewhat cathartic, and as someone who didn’t really have any healthy outlets until now, the blog has helped out a lot. It hasn’t caused as much drama as I thought it would, and it has taught me a lot of things I didn’t know about myself – like the fact that pride can bring about great discipline.

Now that I’ve actually been running a daily blog I no longer have any excuses for being lazy or unmotivated, so I may have shot myself in the foot a little bit.

From what I remember I also wanted to spend the year being more emotionally happy and mentally healthy which.. to be perfectly honest I’m not sure if I succeeded. I know compared to this time last year I’m in a better place, but there’s still a lot of work to do on that front, but that’s sort of a life long thing either way so there’s no point trying to get there immediately since it’s not possible.

My own problem with setting personal resolutions is that I know what I’m like, if the goal isn’t possible I know it won’t happen. I know what I’m capable of and that sort of helps and hinders my progress.

This year has both gone fast and slow in my opinion, but that’s probably because I’ve also spent every day writing something so I’m hyper aware of how time has gone, to the point of knowing what day we’re on. I’ve enjoyed the year for the most part, I’m actually doing the creative projects I always said I’d try, I’ve spent less time using work as an excuse to not have fun, and more time just doing what I want.

I’ve tried to do other things and even moved out for a month, and you know what that month taught me many things, pick your living situations wisely, I’m not compatible with every single person and that I probably shouldn’t be so spontaneous with such a massive decision. It was a hectic month with more drama than I’m used to, but I guess you live and you learn. Now I can spread this knowledge to my siblings who will probably not listen.

This year has also just solidified that I’m truly grateful to have the friends and family that I do have in my life because they’re actual gems.

I wish I could write more about this years review but honestly, I don’t know if I have more to say except that life is a wild ride. 2019 will forever mark the year of writing, working many different jobs, starting creative projects and learning my own limits when it comes to human interaction.

How has your year gone?

Why I Don't Really Set New Years Resolutions (352/365)

I remember earlier in the decade whenever December would come around I would panic and realise that every resolution I had set had been ignored and I would feel a lot of shame. I didn’t drink more water, go to the gym, go to museums or read more and even though I never announced these thoughts, I felt embarrassed. Loads of Youtubers at the time would also speak about their resolutions, and although some would be in the same position as me, others would bask in their achievements, and although I was happy for them.. this added to me embarrassment.

I would always put so much pressure on myself and it never really did anything to add to my productivity until I realised why. Resolutions are like a wish list, things you hope to do without making any active plans on how to make them, so instead I switched my thinking and set goals for the year instead, with plans on how to achieve them. I’d also keep them to myself and they would be personal goals I would want to complete by the end of the year.

The beginning of this decade was a time of great change for me, I entered College and then University so I was dealing with a lot of major life decisions and many issues that teenagers tend to deal with. Amongst all of that crap I realised something… I needed to work on my own self esteem and self image as I was in the dark place 24/7 and this was something that would take a lot of personal work. I didn’t know a lot about mental health back then, but I knew that being as sad as I was wasn’t healthy, so I focused my yearly goals around that.

I wouldn’t say I’m in the perfect mental health head space right now, but spending a good few years focusing solely on my mental health and self image has helped a lot. I went from hating myself, having no self esteem and no self belief to actually believing in myself – which is a shocker. Looking back at how I was around 2010 – 2015, I really needed help, I didn’t even believe in my own intelligence.

Back to the topic at hand..

So whenever the new year would come around I would focus on a few personal goals that I needed to achieve and make plans on how to do them. I find that the resolution mentality never has a roadmap as you say things you want to do, and then hope you’ll suddenly do them. With goals, because of the implication of the word, you kind of have to make a plan alongside it and believe me when I say it helps a lot.

So, as the new year is coming round try to make plans around your resolutions and change your mindset. Instead of having a wish list, let’s spend 2020 achieving all of our goals!

Cutting Down On Chocolate Is So Difficult (351/365)

I wrote a post earlier this year concerning migraines and common triggers, and from what I can remember I did mention how chocolate is a major trigger and sadly one of my main ones. I believe I also wrote something about how I struggled a lot to cut down on chocolate as I love the stuff, I’m a chocoholic and the moment my doctor told me it was a possible trigger, my heart sank. I then conducted a few tests and fell into a little self pity.

So, you’d think after realising chocolate will bring on a migraine or migraine symptoms I would do the responsible thing and cut down, maybe even quit it – well no. I’m a weak mother trucker and I honestly end up having massive amounts in large quantities if I ever restrict myself for a long period of time. I could blame hormones as it’s a huge craving whenever that time of the month is coming along, but I call it my major weakness.

It’s obviously not my biggest one, but I’m not stupid enough to say what that is on the internet.

So in the past few months I started a new job, and with new offices come snacks, chocolates and my basic inability to say no to free food. So I basically went from hardly eating chocolate, to consume large amounts every single day. The fact that I can work from home also doesn’t help because I’m back in the habit of snacking and my corner shop is so close to my house.

So todays post isn’t really meaningful or important in any way, it’s just my way of ranting about the fact that I’m a weak bitch who can’t say no to chocolate and now I’m facing the consequences. Thankfully I don’t really get full blown migraine attacks anymore, but my brain is foggy, the front hurts in general and it’s just not pleasant.

I don’t think I’ve complained about something so redundant in a hot minute, so why not lower the tone on this blog as we only have 14 days to go until the new year. 🙂

Reflecting On How I was This Time Last Year(350/365)

A sea of reflection posts is inevitable at this point, there’s 15 days left of this challenge and not only are we reminiscing because it’s the end of a long year, but it’s also the end of a decade. So the comparisons people are making are hefty and very monumental. So apologies if you hate viewing other peoples self reflection but it has to be done and I hope you understand my need to indulge in a little bit of narcism as we reach the end of 2019.

December 2018 was a weird month for me, from what I remember it was challenging on so many levels and honestly I never want to relive a similar month ever again. It was filled with contract cuts, anxiety over employment, my first funeral and a lot of other personal issues that I don’t want to go into. I tend to block out things that are bad as a weird self defence mechanism, but my emotion of that month was pure anger.

I was pretty pissed off for most of the month and honestly I don’t even regret the outbursts I had towards some people. I remember being particularly cruel to one individual and I don’t even regret it – I feel like my worst personality trait is my lack of remorse for most of my actions. If I stand by it, I won’t apologise or feel guilt, so if you’ve ever received an apology from me, it actually came from the heart.

I also refuse to lie most of the time, whether that’s a good or bad thing is really up to interpretation.

So essentially what I’m saying is this time last year was.. awful. It’s a big reason I started this blog, I knew I needed an outlet and a challenge. Which is why my masochistic brain decided that something difficult would the right way to go… I don’t know why I do this to myself.

So where am I now a year has gone past? Well one major positive is that I’m a little less angry in general, not as many life events are happening at once – karma might be giving me each challenge one by one which I will accept for now. Although I can’t really say everything is suddenly amazing and better because the General Election happened and I’m honestly still sad about it.

However professionally things are going a lot better for now and honestly I feel like the best decision I made this year was leaving a toxic working environment. When your work starts to effect your mental health by being surrounded by toxic racist narcissists – you need to leave. Even if you like some of the people you’re working with – just run away and don’t look back.

So compared to last December, things are a lot better and I’ll take that as a win.

My Twenties Are My Lost Childhood (349/365)

It must be because I’m the oldest girl in an immigrant household, but I didn’t really have a childhood in the sense of bliss, innocence and freedom. I was, like most girls in my situation made to clean and babysit, I was responsible for everyone if my mother went out or wasn’t feeling well. I was essentially the second mother to everyone and I didn’t really get the oppurtunity to be stupid, make mistakes and not be responsible for anyone.

Despite the fact that I do still have responsibilities and even more as I’m working and navigating adult life, I really have taken the oppurtunitiy to live the life I wasn’t able to when I was younger, and it doesn’t always end well. Sometimes I go a bit too crazy and wild, but at the same time I feel like women in my situation should be allowed to go a little wild later on in life, especially when we don’t have a marriage or children to think about. We’re not bringing shame to anyone, and we’re not having to revise for any important exams. We have our own money, freedom of time and movement, and basically a whole world out there to explore.

This post isn’t really going to be a long one, it’s more of a ramble as I don’t have a lot of time to write todays post and I’m facing the consequences of crashing my friends works Christmas party last night. If I wasn’t worried about my family reading this post, I could tell that story, but alas, I can not so I’ll just tease it instead. It was an interesting night and honestly I’m still piecing it together, but it’s also because of that night that I realised that I really am just taking life for what it is and not letting any archaic rules or cultural expectations dictate what I do in my free time.

So for everyone who wasn’t allowed to be a child when you were one, live it now. Just do it, I know it’s not easy and not everyone will understand but it’s honestly good for your soul and your mental health in the long run!

Sometimes You Have To Accept You're Surrounded By Racists #GeneralElection (347/365)

Like many I woke up today gutted with the news that not only did the Conservatives win, but they won by a landslide. Many areas like Wales, Stoke and up North switched to voting Tory and not only was it shocking but it forced a lot of us to accept that the silent majority hold certain values, and those values are not aligned with protecting the NHS, the homeless, the poor, the LGBT community and people of colour. They ‘want Brexit done’ and they want it so bad that they’ve elected an openly everything phobic man to be their leader.

Remember the time when Boris wasn’t PM and everyone laughed at him, we all knew what he was but we all thought he’d never rise to power because even the bigots we lived with laughed at him. Not only because of his appearance but because of what he stood for.

The man has lied, hid in a fridge, avoided a phone recording of the effects of austerity cuts on the NHS, he’s said horribly racist and islamophobic comments openly and was responsible for so many bad things… but I guess the Brexit opinion prevailed.

This is the country we live in, and despite social media being very pro-Labour, we forgot about everyone else. The silent majority, the middle class, the old white people, the poor white people, the changing opinions and how all of these groups truly hated Corbyn, not Labour but their leader. They couldn’t handle what he stood for, and in all honesty Britain has a horrible history of wanting to avoid the truth, and he was too left for them, because ultimately Labour doesn’t stand for the left, and their usual seats don’t vote for them for radical change, they vote through tradition. So when that tradition is threatened they went blue.

Now I guess a lot of us are going to be a bit sad and go in hiding. I know I certainly will when it comes to open conversation about it all, not due to fear, but due to pure anger.

I forgot that the majority of our country doesn’t care about us, and that was my bad, I need to throw away the idea that anything will change and probably prepare for it to get worse. We’re heading into American Trump territory and although we don’t have guns legalised here, the fact that the majorities openly racist thinking may now get legitimised through our PM means we now need to protect ourselves.

Prepare for whats coming folks, because it ain’t gonna be good or fun. It’s going to be awful, and everyones inner racist, sexist, xenophobe, homophobe and islamophobe is going to come out.