Goodbye 2019 – My Last Post In This Daily Blog Project (365/365)

Goodbye 2019, it’s really weird to say farewell to not only this year, but this whole decade and it’s honestly been a wild ride. Not only does this mark the end of my daily blogging ventures, but it’s the beginning of many other things in the works. I can’t believe we’re here, this year has both gone ridiculously fast, but also really slowly at the same time.. although that might be because I’ve written many of these posts last minute and that has made every day tangible to me (if that makes any sense).

The year started off with a shit load of anxiety, I was worried about work contracts, realising some subtly racist reasons that I was even in that position. I’ve essentially worked three different jobs.. maybe four if you count a department I supported whilst doing two of those jobs and every job was wildly different. I didn’t really have a lot of long term career thoughts for a lot of the year, especially as I was in an angency that had no path I could take without licking a racist arsehole – so I found an alternative and it’s been good so far.

I’m definitely in a better place now than I was this time last year, I was even talking to my cousin about it all and it’s mad how a year can change things – Yes I’m aware how digustingly cliche’d that whole sentence was, but it’s my last post of the year so please allow me to throw them in as it’s the only time I’m actually allowed to.

Writing this blog was a very conscious decision I made to help me get back into writing and give me an outlet whenever my mental health was waning.. which happens a lot. I realised what happens when I don’t have healthy outlets and that was 2018 in a nutshell, I partied too hard, cried too hard and was generally surrounding myself around weird crowds and even people who took pleasure in my vulnerably angry state. So this year I decided to change that and I’ll go into the next decade with that same energy. As much as I enjoy socialising, I’ll keep it with the right people, as not everyone is worth your time and you really need to go with your gut in most cases.

This year marked many beginnings in my career and personally as I had the privelege of starting a podcast with two of my best friends and it’s been regular and fun to do. It may never reach a million hits, but in all honesty it’s a lot of fun to do and we went in with very pure intentions and a willingness to learn about the technical side of things when it comes to set ups and equipment.

I also started going to the gym at some point which was honestly something I never saw myself doing and although it was fun, I had to take a pause as my brain started to do the thing where it punishes you for not going enough or eating right or seeing results. I’ll probably go back at some point, but I’m not willing to slip into unhealthy habits just to lose a few pounds.. it’s not worth it in my case.

I’ve learnt a few things this year as well, and although I’ve written them down I might as well write them again because it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want:

  1. Don’t spend time with people outside of work if they give you a bad gut feeling.
  2. Don’t always talk about racism around white people, they can’t always handle it and it’s not worth dealing with their emotions.
  3. Spend time with people you truly love.
  4. Tell those people that you actually love them.
  5. Instead of saying you’ll do something, actually do the thing!
  6. It says a lot about someone if they’re not happy about you when you’re succeeding.
  7. Not everyones crazy compliments one another.
  8. Don’t spontaneously decide to live with someone when it’s a dodgy situation and your gut feeling is bad.
  9. Also, don’t do it if everyone you know is telling you not to do it!
  10. If your friends don’t like someone (a friend/partner) it might be worth evaluating why they don’t like them.
  11. Some friendships end and that’s ok.
  12. Sometimes you have say how you’re feeling, you can’t always let it bubble up.
  13. If someone judges you about your movie/music/tv taste don’t bother with them, they’re a pretentious twat.
  14. Not all arguments are worth having, but some are!
  15. Don’t go out with your work colleagues when you’re in the dark place.
  16. When you give out your last fuck over a situation, you’re a dangerous specimen… choose your actions wisely.
  17. It never hurts to be a little petty about things, because some things are worth bringing petty energy into.

There’s probably more to write about what I’ve learnt but that would enter a realm of revealing personal things about me that I don’t feel comfortable including. 🙂

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I still can’t believe we’ve made it this far in this daily blogging journey. That doesn’t mean this blog will cease to exist, I’ll just be posting less frequently and might actually have time to edit it all.

Happy new years and let’s go into the next decade with a more focused, positive and healthy mindset!

Image result for new year anime meme 2020

How I Grew My Curly Hair LONG (357/365)

I don’t really consider myself a hair expert in any sense, but I got asked on Instagram about how I grew my hair and I feel like it’s difficult to really write everything down in the comments section – plus I needed an idea for todays blog post as I’m currently in the later stages of a massive migraine attack… I need to remember my body has limits so it humbled me… but back to hair.

So, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I’m lazy when it comes to my hair. A lot of the time I don’t even realise it has grown a lot until I straighten it and it hits me. My hair is fairly healthy, it does what it needs to do and I’m pretty good at finessing my frizz by either incorporating it into my style or hiding it completely.

My first tip is to leave it the fuck alone sometimes. I know it’s tempting to wear braids, twists, bantu knots and manipulate the fuck out of it, but your hair is delicate so loads of tightening and styling leads to breakage.. and breakage is the enemy. A lot of people believe black hair doesn’t grow very long, but it’s a myth, the only reason some people struggle to grow their hair is because it breaks off at the ends due to loads of extra styling. So leave it alone and throw it in a bun later on in the week, your ends will thank you in the long run.

I like to oil my scalp throughout the week, I’m not sure if it even adds to growth but it helps my dusty dandruff ridden scalp. I use a mixture of 2/3 Jojoba Oil, 1/3 Jamaican Black Castor Oil and a few drops of tea tree oil. Again, I don’t know if it helps, but it’s worth noting.

I also swear by keeping your hair moisturised, don’t let it dry out during the week. Your hair needs water and help, so moisturise it and really pay attention to how it’s behaving! Use masks, deep conditioners and leave in conditioners. You won’t see results straight away but trust me you’ll thank me in the long run.

I know it’s tempting to use every product you see influencers use but stop it, just stop it. Use what works for you and maintain a good routine. Some products out there aren’t good, and even though something new is out and every curly haired woman is saying it’s their holy grail, what works for them might not work for you. I’m a big believer in staying in your own lane and tailoring your routine to your hair as everyones hair is different.

Drink water… just do it. I know whenever I’m dehydrated it shows in my hair, and skin, so just stop being thirsty and drink some water.

Back to things that can cause breakage – don’t brush your hair when it’s dry, your hair will break a lot and you’ll lose all of your progress that you’ve been working on.

Last but not least, chill a little bit. I never really made hair growth my goal and to be honest I don’t really care about it’s length a lot, I just want healthy hair and the length comes with it. Most of the year I have no idea how long my hair actually is, I just keep it nice, moisturised and free to do what it wants. So stop doing length checks, and allow it.

20 Things We're Not Bringing Into 2020 (356/365)

We’re keeping up the generic new years resolution theme to end this year of daily blogging because honestly I want to write about it, and it’s a lot easier than accessing my brain and trying to bring out the smarter side of it. It has switched off for the year and I’m not sure how to bring it back, so for now let’s discuss what kind of energy and behaviour we’re not going to bring into the new year.

  1. Justifying racism in any way shape or form.
  2. Not taking our mental health seriously.
  3. Going to bed in a face full of makeup.
  4. Not sharing our best makeup and skin care tips – I’M LOOKING AT YOU MEN WITH FLAWLESS SKIN, YOU DON’T EVEN DESERVE IT.
  5. Uneccessary pettiness, look if I don’t know why you’re being petty, it defeats the purpose of the act.
  6. Not helping each other grow as well developed humans.
  7. Black people hating on each other, this behaviour has always confused me and we need to stop doing it. We’re just making things worse for ourselves and honestly it’s embarasing.
  8. Beauty hair bloggers going natural for a few months and then going back to using relaxer for views – look, if you’re being genuine do whatever the fuck you want to your hair, but some people are honestly just doing this shit for views and it’s making it look difficult to maintain natural hair when it’s really not.
  9. Every stupid makeup trend, let’s just try to look amazing and do what we want. No more using cutlery, ashy foundation or anything that you’re doing for the clout. Makeup is supposed to be fun, have fun with it.
  10. Supporting bigots… put that shit in the bin and stop doing it.
  11. Expecting people of colour to be calm in our outrage, We’re sick of the racism and discrimination so we shouldn’t have to also be polite when people are literally dying.
  12. Looking down on people because of their music taste. Music is literally noise, put your pretentious thoughts in meat grinder please.
  13. Anyone who still argues against Trans rights… wtf is wrong with you, shut up. Don’t even bring religion into it because no religion advocates death, they advocate respecting one another and not fucking killing people. (I swear if you use the word jihad I’ll slap you, jihad isn’t about senseless murder and greater jihad ISN’T EVEN VIOLENT).
  14. Assuming you’re the smartest person in the room, sorry you’re not and you have to accept that and move on.
  15. Letting people walk all over us, it’s time to walk all over them (or something nicer).
  16. Criticisng anyone for not being married or having children… allow them and let them live!
  17. Women hating on other women for existing… put that shit away. Other women aren’t a threat to your womanhood and if you honestly hold these beliefs you need to sort out your internalised hatred towards your own gender.
  18. Negative friends/influences. Time to do a clean out!
  19. Pretending to be someone you’re not – this is easier said than done, but it’s a lot more refreshing to be yourself, even if people hate you for it.
  20. Last but not least, let’s stop ignoring those people we care about. Check in on your friends, your family, and make sure they’re doing ok. The people who seem the strongest are probably holding in a lot of things, so try to reach out and help them.

10 Days Left To Go! My Personal Review Of 2019 (355/365)

Wow guys, we’re on the final 10 days of the year, have you managed to get your resolutions from the beginning of the year and assessed how your year has gone?

Personally I didn’t set many resolutions this year purely because my huge one was to write more, and that came about in the form of this blog and although it has been difficult I’m still doing it so that’s been a success at least.

I’ve always loved writing, even though I’m not really good at it. It’s weirdly therapeutic even when you’re not actually writing about what you’re feeling, but the simple act is somewhat cathartic, and as someone who didn’t really have any healthy outlets until now, the blog has helped out a lot. It hasn’t caused as much drama as I thought it would, and it has taught me a lot of things I didn’t know about myself – like the fact that pride can bring about great discipline.

Now that I’ve actually been running a daily blog I no longer have any excuses for being lazy or unmotivated, so I may have shot myself in the foot a little bit.

From what I remember I also wanted to spend the year being more emotionally happy and mentally healthy which.. to be perfectly honest I’m not sure if I succeeded. I know compared to this time last year I’m in a better place, but there’s still a lot of work to do on that front, but that’s sort of a life long thing either way so there’s no point trying to get there immediately since it’s not possible.

My own problem with setting personal resolutions is that I know what I’m like, if the goal isn’t possible I know it won’t happen. I know what I’m capable of and that sort of helps and hinders my progress.

This year has both gone fast and slow in my opinion, but that’s probably because I’ve also spent every day writing something so I’m hyper aware of how time has gone, to the point of knowing what day we’re on. I’ve enjoyed the year for the most part, I’m actually doing the creative projects I always said I’d try, I’ve spent less time using work as an excuse to not have fun, and more time just doing what I want.

I’ve tried to do other things and even moved out for a month, and you know what that month taught me many things, pick your living situations wisely, I’m not compatible with every single person and that I probably shouldn’t be so spontaneous with such a massive decision. It was a hectic month with more drama than I’m used to, but I guess you live and you learn. Now I can spread this knowledge to my siblings who will probably not listen.

This year has also just solidified that I’m truly grateful to have the friends and family that I do have in my life because they’re actual gems.

I wish I could write more about this years review but honestly, I don’t know if I have more to say except that life is a wild ride. 2019 will forever mark the year of writing, working many different jobs, starting creative projects and learning my own limits when it comes to human interaction.

How has your year gone?

The Time Me and My Friend Saved a Cat (353/365)

We have another door to door story coming up, it was a truly hectic day for everyone in our group, there were fights, threats and we saved a cat.

Now this tale will focus on the cat because all of the violence that ensued that day can not be told by me, they’re not my stories to tell, and almost every instance was fuelled by racism.. I don’t really have it in me to talk about racism with a level head at the moment due to the current state of life.

So back to the cat…

So it was a standard day of knocking doors in a nicer area, everyone was rude, and me and my friend were getting sick of everyone in the area. We completed out first lap, which takes place around 1-3pm quite quickly and spent a lot of it talking about life. As people are usually working it’s the quiet lap in most areas so usually if you’re with someone you spend a lot of it talking and generally taking the piss if you’re friends.

We met up with the group to have lunch, the day seemed to be like any other day, and for us it was pretty chill.

Our next lap had more people back from the school rush and everyone was fucking rude. Now, at this point we were used to this, but on that day we honestly could not be bothered dealing with people – it happens every now and then and it’s always good to have someone with you when it happens so you can talk things through.

We were getting to the point where we could not be bothered doing any more work and we heard something weird, it was an animal but it sounded like it was in pain. Now, we were knocking new builds so it wasn’t like we were near main roads, the area was quite compact and even maze like. Then we saw the cat, it had clearly been hit by a car and we weren’t sure of what to do, so we checked the cat and it was in a bad state.

We tried knocking near by doors of people, regardless of whether we pitched them or not because a cat was in danger – now people are dickheads and they weren’t nice to us when we re-knocked their doors up until the cat was mentioned. Luckily we managed to get a hold of the neighbour of the cat owner (who was at work), I believe from what I can remember he also had a cat, or a pet at least as he knew what to do.

The cat owner eventually came back and it was a whole ordeal. I don’t remember a lot of it, but only the fact that we were honestly worried about the cat. It sounded like it was in a lot of pain, and I don’t think it would have stood a chance if we hadn’t been on those roads knocking doors that day.

Weirdly enough things like that happen a lot when you take on a job like door to door sales, you’ll end up in situations where you help people, are able to call ambulances and really just make sure people are getting the help they need. It sounds dramatic, but a friend of mine literally had a customer have an epileptic fit in the middle of the sale, and called an ambulance for them.

So, we saved a cat, met up with our group of fellow sales people and although we wanted to tell our story proudly – everyone had ended up in some form of violent situation, or potentially violent situation. All sparked by racist comments… so the day was a bit of a mess for everyone in that area.

Why I Don't Really Set New Years Resolutions (352/365)

I remember earlier in the decade whenever December would come around I would panic and realise that every resolution I had set had been ignored and I would feel a lot of shame. I didn’t drink more water, go to the gym, go to museums or read more and even though I never announced these thoughts, I felt embarrassed. Loads of Youtubers at the time would also speak about their resolutions, and although some would be in the same position as me, others would bask in their achievements, and although I was happy for them.. this added to me embarrassment.

I would always put so much pressure on myself and it never really did anything to add to my productivity until I realised why. Resolutions are like a wish list, things you hope to do without making any active plans on how to make them, so instead I switched my thinking and set goals for the year instead, with plans on how to achieve them. I’d also keep them to myself and they would be personal goals I would want to complete by the end of the year.

The beginning of this decade was a time of great change for me, I entered College and then University so I was dealing with a lot of major life decisions and many issues that teenagers tend to deal with. Amongst all of that crap I realised something… I needed to work on my own self esteem and self image as I was in the dark place 24/7 and this was something that would take a lot of personal work. I didn’t know a lot about mental health back then, but I knew that being as sad as I was wasn’t healthy, so I focused my yearly goals around that.

I wouldn’t say I’m in the perfect mental health head space right now, but spending a good few years focusing solely on my mental health and self image has helped a lot. I went from hating myself, having no self esteem and no self belief to actually believing in myself – which is a shocker. Looking back at how I was around 2010 – 2015, I really needed help, I didn’t even believe in my own intelligence.

Back to the topic at hand..

So whenever the new year would come around I would focus on a few personal goals that I needed to achieve and make plans on how to do them. I find that the resolution mentality never has a roadmap as you say things you want to do, and then hope you’ll suddenly do them. With goals, because of the implication of the word, you kind of have to make a plan alongside it and believe me when I say it helps a lot.

So, as the new year is coming round try to make plans around your resolutions and change your mindset. Instead of having a wish list, let’s spend 2020 achieving all of our goals!

Cutting Down On Chocolate Is So Difficult (351/365)

I wrote a post earlier this year concerning migraines and common triggers, and from what I can remember I did mention how chocolate is a major trigger and sadly one of my main ones. I believe I also wrote something about how I struggled a lot to cut down on chocolate as I love the stuff, I’m a chocoholic and the moment my doctor told me it was a possible trigger, my heart sank. I then conducted a few tests and fell into a little self pity.

So, you’d think after realising chocolate will bring on a migraine or migraine symptoms I would do the responsible thing and cut down, maybe even quit it – well no. I’m a weak mother trucker and I honestly end up having massive amounts in large quantities if I ever restrict myself for a long period of time. I could blame hormones as it’s a huge craving whenever that time of the month is coming along, but I call it my major weakness.

It’s obviously not my biggest one, but I’m not stupid enough to say what that is on the internet.

So in the past few months I started a new job, and with new offices come snacks, chocolates and my basic inability to say no to free food. So I basically went from hardly eating chocolate, to consume large amounts every single day. The fact that I can work from home also doesn’t help because I’m back in the habit of snacking and my corner shop is so close to my house.

So todays post isn’t really meaningful or important in any way, it’s just my way of ranting about the fact that I’m a weak bitch who can’t say no to chocolate and now I’m facing the consequences. Thankfully I don’t really get full blown migraine attacks anymore, but my brain is foggy, the front hurts in general and it’s just not pleasant.

I don’t think I’ve complained about something so redundant in a hot minute, so why not lower the tone on this blog as we only have 14 days to go until the new year. 🙂

My Twenties Are My Lost Childhood (349/365)

It must be because I’m the oldest girl in an immigrant household, but I didn’t really have a childhood in the sense of bliss, innocence and freedom. I was, like most girls in my situation made to clean and babysit, I was responsible for everyone if my mother went out or wasn’t feeling well. I was essentially the second mother to everyone and I didn’t really get the oppurtunity to be stupid, make mistakes and not be responsible for anyone.

Despite the fact that I do still have responsibilities and even more as I’m working and navigating adult life, I really have taken the oppurtunitiy to live the life I wasn’t able to when I was younger, and it doesn’t always end well. Sometimes I go a bit too crazy and wild, but at the same time I feel like women in my situation should be allowed to go a little wild later on in life, especially when we don’t have a marriage or children to think about. We’re not bringing shame to anyone, and we’re not having to revise for any important exams. We have our own money, freedom of time and movement, and basically a whole world out there to explore.

This post isn’t really going to be a long one, it’s more of a ramble as I don’t have a lot of time to write todays post and I’m facing the consequences of crashing my friends works Christmas party last night. If I wasn’t worried about my family reading this post, I could tell that story, but alas, I can not so I’ll just tease it instead. It was an interesting night and honestly I’m still piecing it together, but it’s also because of that night that I realised that I really am just taking life for what it is and not letting any archaic rules or cultural expectations dictate what I do in my free time.

So for everyone who wasn’t allowed to be a child when you were one, live it now. Just do it, I know it’s not easy and not everyone will understand but it’s honestly good for your soul and your mental health in the long run!

Sometimes Self Care Days Are Just Lazy Days (348/365)

As you might be able to tell the General Election results kind of hit me hard, it’s not like I expected Labour to win, I just didn’t expect the Conservatives to win by so much… I speak about racism a lot on this blog so I’m no stranger to the fact that it’s alive and well… I just forgot that 90% of the UK really hate us. Sometimes we forget, we go days without any incidents, surround ourselves with likeminded people and some of us are also lucky enough to find white people who understand our thoughts and opinions. So it’s easy to forget that everyone else isn’t like that.

This post isn’t about that though, it’s about the much needed self care days I’m taking as a result of it. Self care, as I’ve said can be practice in many different ways, sometimes it’s consists of a massive clear out and cleaning sessions, other times they’re spa days. Sometimes I even take time to assess my emotions and mental health, but right now I’m being lazy. I’m watching videos on Youtube that make me happy and honestly spending time to binge on anime because I need the escapism.

I’ve ranted a lot on social media as well about my thoughts despite wanting to hide in a cave for the next five years, I’ve come to terms that I’m probably going to have to get actively political, so before doing that I’m going to be lazy… as lazy as I can be. Maybe take a walk and really take the time to exist in a vacuum.

I feel like escapism is always seen as a negative, a way of running away from your troubles, but sometimes you need it. We can’t spend every waking moment thinking about our sadness, and running away from it for a little bit is theraputic in a way. It’s not like I’m ignoring everything, I’m just processing it slowly because any other method right now would be unhealthy.

So this is my post, just letting you know that lazy days are also a valid method of self care. Am I a professional? – no, but if it helps, it helps and you don’t always have to be the most productive human in the world for your feelings and ways of processing emotions to have value. At the end of the day everyone is different, and some of us do just need to metaphorically lie on the floor for a few days before being ready to face the world.

I’m glad I have the ability to work from home, and I booked the day after the election in advance, it’s almost like my soul was aware I’d need to be at home for it, so that helped a lot. Now to a weekend of being as lazy as I can be before I start cleaning everything in my sight – another method I use for self care because it helps.

Sometimes You Have To Accept You're Surrounded By Racists #GeneralElection (347/365)

Like many I woke up today gutted with the news that not only did the Conservatives win, but they won by a landslide. Many areas like Wales, Stoke and up North switched to voting Tory and not only was it shocking but it forced a lot of us to accept that the silent majority hold certain values, and those values are not aligned with protecting the NHS, the homeless, the poor, the LGBT community and people of colour. They ‘want Brexit done’ and they want it so bad that they’ve elected an openly everything phobic man to be their leader.

Remember the time when Boris wasn’t PM and everyone laughed at him, we all knew what he was but we all thought he’d never rise to power because even the bigots we lived with laughed at him. Not only because of his appearance but because of what he stood for.

The man has lied, hid in a fridge, avoided a phone recording of the effects of austerity cuts on the NHS, he’s said horribly racist and islamophobic comments openly and was responsible for so many bad things… but I guess the Brexit opinion prevailed.

This is the country we live in, and despite social media being very pro-Labour, we forgot about everyone else. The silent majority, the middle class, the old white people, the poor white people, the changing opinions and how all of these groups truly hated Corbyn, not Labour but their leader. They couldn’t handle what he stood for, and in all honesty Britain has a horrible history of wanting to avoid the truth, and he was too left for them, because ultimately Labour doesn’t stand for the left, and their usual seats don’t vote for them for radical change, they vote through tradition. So when that tradition is threatened they went blue.

Now I guess a lot of us are going to be a bit sad and go in hiding. I know I certainly will when it comes to open conversation about it all, not due to fear, but due to pure anger.

I forgot that the majority of our country doesn’t care about us, and that was my bad, I need to throw away the idea that anything will change and probably prepare for it to get worse. We’re heading into American Trump territory and although we don’t have guns legalised here, the fact that the majorities openly racist thinking may now get legitimised through our PM means we now need to protect ourselves.

Prepare for whats coming folks, because it ain’t gonna be good or fun. It’s going to be awful, and everyones inner racist, sexist, xenophobe, homophobe and islamophobe is going to come out.