Don't Become Someones Backup Plan (344/365)

You know when it happens, when you get a call, a text or any conversation about an up and coming plan with someone you care about, you guys discuss it and make plans and then it happens. The news you didn’t want to hear or acknowledge… the only reason you were considered is because someone dropped out. Now, I know there are many innocent scenarios where this can happen and to be perfectly honest I’ve also done this to people, but there’s a difference between an occasional occurrence and a habit.

Usually it involves the other person being very upfront about their plans, and how someone dropped out, and in those cases it’s perfectly fine. It’s understandable and you can enjoy the plan, but when you’re a backup plan it’s very different. It’s being contacts about the event and many different plans every single time someone has cancelled on one specific person. It hurts a little bit more when you know you’ll only see them through their flakey friends consistent cancellations, as the only time you’re considered is when this happens.

You can tell this comes from a pretty personal place, and I have no need to really expand on it as I’m already unleashing my needy side. The thing is, sometimes we all want to be more than just a backup plan, and this need isn’t with everyone. Personally my emotional needs don’t extend past a few people in my life, but those people, I will unleash the beast on, in a very healthy(ish) conversation. Since being someones constant backup plan can hurt like a mother trucker and it’s not fair on you to be in that position.

The initial excitement of any plan made becomes tainted and it just leaves you feeling sad, and I am always a promoter of people communicating their feelings and emotions when it matters, whether I practice this as often as I preach it is highly debatable as the conversation is never easy to have, but it’s a necessity.

If this is a pattern after the conversation then just put your foot down. Don’t be someones back up plan, you always deserve better and more consideration. You wouldn’t let yourself be a side man/side chick without being aware, so why be a backup plan?

You Need To Set Boundaries (343/365)

We learn a lot of things growing up, how to walk, talk, do exams, make friends and so much more but the one thing that is never really emphasised is how to set boundaries. Boundaries are super important as there are so many instances that can make you feel uncomfortable and instead of just dealing with it, it’s vital that you learn the art of telling people not to do the thing.

It could be something as simple as hugging, not everyone enjoys being hugged, and sometimes you just need some personal space. Now, I can tell you first hand not everyone will respect this, and I’ve been guilty of this as a teenager (I regret it so much), but it’s important that you let someone know, use your words and really stand your ground.

I know first hand that in most cases, if I’m crying the worst thing (most) people can do is attempt any form of physical contact. Now, most people gain comfort from it, especially a simple gesture as holding someones hand when they’re sad, but I’m not that person. I have really bad knee jerk reaction to being touched when I’m upset as well and I know I need to work on it, but for the most part people in my life who would be in this situation are aware of it because I told them. It’s always weird to see someone you care about upset and you’re not able to do anything about it, but do you know what’s worse – touching them and causing them to scream.

That last point also happens a lot in general, I have a weird variation of ‘no go zones’ all across my body, and they’re not even normal ones. For the most part, people don’t tend to find them or notice it unless they witness my knee jerk screaming reaction first hand. Although it is funny to watch, that’s usually the moment I have to tell the person, usually a touchy feely person, to not do whatever they did to set me off. I’ve learnt that the akward conversation of telling them to politely never touch you, is better in the long run and involves a lot less screaming and running away on my side.

It might be awkward to set the boundaries but it’s also super important. Not everyone is going to know that they’re invading your personal space, or your personal boundaries and we can’t expect everyone to be psychic so let them know, have a productive conversation and honestly it’ll help you our a lot in the future.

Even though I used some of my own personal examples, there are loads of different ways of setting boundaries and it’s different for everyone. Sometimes it can be something as simple as telling someone no, and not being mentally or emotionally avalilable 24/7, or in the extreme of telling someone to stay away from you.

It’s not always as easy to have the talks, but it’s worth it most of the time.

Know Your Worth (341/365)

I’m not entirely sure how to start this blog post, maybe add an inspiring quote or a good introduction. Maybe I should pretend that this website has well prepared high value daily content, but that’s simply not the case and I don’t really enjoy pretending to be something I’m not. Also – the grammatical errors all give it away as I tend to write on the fly and don’t really have the time, energy or patience to edit them. So todays topic is knowing your worth and really valueing your self. I would love to say what inspired this, but that would cause unecessary gossip that I personally can’t deal with right now.

So.. what is your worth? How do you even begin to value yourself in a society that teaches us that confidence is a bad thing. We’re encouraged to be overly modest about everything and although it is a lovely personality trait, when it exists in excess you will get in your own way. You’ll start to believe that you’re not the best at what you do, and you’ll end up struggling to find things that you believe are your strong points. Which then results in you not knowing or believing in yourself.

I made a decision a few years ago to stop putting myself and my abilities down. This was mainly because the more I did it, the more I believed what I said and I didn’t have a strong self esteem to begin with. So that was a slippery self depricating slope that I truly hope more people get off as it’s not fun and it leads to a lot of strange mental health issues and not taking good oppurtunities.

Although I now build myself up, I still struggle a lot with the balance. Sometimes you want to believe you’re the best at something, when in reality you’re not, and other times you believe you’re average when in fact you’re brilliant. It’s like a seesaw, you have to find your balance and take time to honestly evaluate yourself. Look at your strengths, your weaknesses and ultimately what you can bring to the table in all of your ventures.

We’re all very different people, with our own quirks, so really we all bring something unique to every job, friendship and relationship. We just need to be aware of whether what we bring is positive or negative, and really work on your negatives as we’re all humans with a capacity to make changes based on your surroundings.

I guess it’s that time of your for self reflection, even more so as we’re entering a new decade soon and we can measure our personal growth from how we were at the beginning of this decade versus the end of it. Make sure you honestly evaluate your own self, know your worth and strive to ask for more. It’s always hard to get in the mindset of I deserve more because of x y z in a way that isn’t entitled, but at the same time if you truly believe in your strengths you should be able to fight for your own position in whatever you’re seeking.

I’ll end it on this note – know your worth and don’t get in a habit of settling for any less. It’s difficult to go for what you actually want, but sometimes that feeling of fear or anxiety is a good thing, it means you actually care about it.

30 Days Left of This Decade.. (335/365)

Time has flown, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, running a daily blog really makes you aware of how fast the year goes by and you’re able to pin point how many days are left/have past. It’s honestly mad but I do enjoy it as well since this blog is still happening.

I was going to start a sales exposè series, but then I remembered that Sunday is the day where no one reads this blog so why waste a good introduction to a weekly series on a day that everyone is either busy or sleeping. I know first hand that I prefer to use my Sundays either having a huge pampering session or just watching something new and exciting – so an anime or a korean drama.

When December hits I feel like it’s the time where everyone starts to reflect on the year and how it has gone. If you’re someone who has set new years resolutions, then you’re reviewing whether you actually stuck to them or if you’re like me and set overall goals, it’s just looking how what steps I took to achieve them. I want to write a more detailed post about how 2019 has gone for me later on and closer to the end of this daily blogging journey as I still have 30 days left to actually think about everything – you never know that might be a post I also put effort in to.

It’s also the time where you stop seeing the sunlight and sort of embrace the darkness more, so this can effect your mental health and generally how you’re feeling, as humans need sunlight to function. We are plants, let’s just be real about it. I use that phrase as a joke to my friends effected by the darkness, but in reality we do need vitamin D to remain healthy and sunshine can make you feel happier.

I guess it’s holiday season, so that’s something people look forward to.. right? As someone who doesn’t celebrate Christmas I know I don’t have to worry about buying a shit ton of presents or any of that, but the festive season does mean everythings on sale and there’s pretty lights dotted about everywhere so that’s nice to look at.

We’re going to be entering a new decade soon, so I guess there’s loads of pictures comparing how people started and ended the decade and I would like to officially say, none of you are seeing pics of me from 2009/2010.

Anger is a Secondary Emotion (332/365)

Anger is one of those things that can eat you alive, some of us are naturally more on the aggressive side, som are angry when they’re sad, hungry, emotional but the one thing that stays constant is anger is a secondary emotion. It’s a result of an initial feeling, and being ‘angry’ is always (ALWAYS) a sign of something more going on beneath the surface and it’s really important to recognise this when dealing with your own and other peoples anger.

I grew up having a lot of anger issues, it was sort of laughed about and a mentioned as a joke but now that I think about it, it really should have been taken more seriously. The thing is, a lot of people never look at a childs anger as a significant and relevant emotion, they sort of see it as a tantrum as opposed to a sign of something more. Now todays post isn’t going to be about me unpacking my childhood aggression because that involves many tales of bullying and right now I’m too tired to write about any of that.

The only reason I’m writing about this really is because we all have people in our lives – the ones who are quick to anger, the ones who can show a lot of aggression, and although it tends to be a massive red flag, it is a sign of something more. If they mean something to you, and they’re not using their emotions as a form of manipulation, it’s worth letting them know they can talk to you about whatever is going on with them.

No one is angry for the sake of being angry, because of the nature of how anger manifests it’s impossible. Whether the person is aware of it or not, it’s something that is always a result of other emotions, situations and life events.

Should I Be Open About My Mental Health? (322/365)

I write a lot about mental health, self care and generally like to give advice and tips based on my own experience, but one thing I’ve never done is actually write about my own raw experiences. One of the reasons why is because I don’t like to be open about my own personal pain online, being that vulnerable around people I personally know make me want to hide in a corner for a century, so doing it online would be personally .. difficult.

But, here’s the thing, I know for a fact seeing others be open and honest has helped me personally and others I personally know. I know I don’t have a big following anywhere, but would me opening up actually help people? I do want to help, if I’m ever open about my mental health it will take a while, so I doubt it would be done during my daily blogging challenge, but as a post next year… it could be a possibility.

So back to the question – should I be more open about it all?

I know I’m from many intersections of society, I’m Black, I’m Muslim (not practicing but still a Muslim),and I’m a Woman and let’s be honest there’s not a lot of people from all three groups actually talking about issues that effect us like mental health.

We tend to see it as a ‘white people issue’ or if we do see it the problem we’re then battling it alone as our parents see the word ‘counselling’ as a dirty word and let’s be honest extended family can only help so much unless they live near you.

Some of the lucky ones have friends to talk to (I consider myself in this category), but I know there’s a lot of people who might not feel the same, so maybe my experiences could help a little bit as I used to be someone who kept everything bottled in from everyone..

This isn’t a coherent post, just a question and my little thoughts around it. If you have an answer please comment below, or slide in my DM’s I have an Instagram account @fatimaspeaks. 🙂

Complaining is Very Therapeutic (320/365)

You might have sensed a theme that a lot of my blog posts this year have been filled with me complaining about serious and not serious topics, and honestly I’ll hold my hands up and say I love ranting, complaining and generally just letting out all of my frustrations. Part of it is because it gives you a moment of pure bliss and another part is that moment when someone else feels the same energy about what you’re ranting about – many strong friendships have been built on this.

Complaining is also very good for you, since it allows you to just let it all out. One of the worst things you can do is bottle everything up because then the pressure and annoyance builds up and you end up exploding, and it’s never a good sight. So when you have a regular session dedicated to complaining about anything (it doesn’t have to be important), it makes you feel good and at the risk of sounding incredibly cliche – it’s like a weight has been lifted.

So have a good session of complaining or ranting because in the long run it’ll do you good.

Keeping today’s post short and sweet as this topic speaks for itself. 🙂

What Writers Block Feels Like (315/365)

I make a lot of jokes about my issues with writers block and how I’ve resorted to some lazy posts or just a stream of consciousness, which always turns out to be a mess, but I don’t think I’ve expanded a lot on how this feels or how it comes about. Writers block happens to everyone who dabbles in writing, whether it’s professionally or for fun, and we use the term a lot but we don’t spend a lot of time describing the sensation.

I guess because everyone kind of knows what it is, it’s a straight up mental block.

It feels a lot like your brain has ideas, and wants to write but they’re stuck beneath a service that you can’t seem to access. Like a weight that is draining every single hope and dream you have of writing in that moment. You want to write, but you can’t.

It’s kind of like a form of hopelessness but in the form of something that isn’t allowing you to actually write down all the thoughts you have.

I’ve had many moments of having ideas, writing down the title of the ideas, and then not finding the words of even the will to write the post. It’s linked to a minor fear of it being shit, and a major fear of being able to do the topic justice. So in my case I get in my own way, but writers block is honestly an annoying thing because there’s not physical way to get yourself out of it, you kind of have to walk away, do something else and hope that you’re able to put words together later.

Which isn’t good when you have a daily blog, but I put myself in this hell of having to write a post every day of the year.

10 Signs You’re In Need of a Self Care Day (313/365)

I have written a lot of extensive posts about self care, how to practice it at home, at work and lots of helpful tips about it, but nows the time for a post about some signs that you need to spend some time focusing on your own mental health. I may or may not have already written about it, but I know for a fact that I have some newer thoughts on it since my last post.

Self care doesn’t have to take a whole day, but it’s always good to spend some time focusing solely on replenishing yourself and your emotional helath, so here are some signs I personally look out for so I know when a good self care session is in need.

  1. When you run on auto-pilot more than usual.
  2. Feeling numb to things (ot everything).
  3. Sleeping problems – this can range from not being able to sleep, to having nightmares and even lots of sleep paralysis.
  4. Feeling unusually overwhlemed by life, or life events.
  5. When you just feel sad and aren’t sure why.
  6. Constant feelings of being anxious (as someone who has never had panic attacks this is a big one I look out for).
  7. Not wanting to do anything at all.
  8. Feelings of helplessness or hopelessness.
  9. When you don’t find joy in the things you love.
  10. When you haven’t had time to yourself in a hot minute!

Hating Your Job Is Too Normalised (311/365)

I’m not entirely sure how to write this one so it might be short, but the concept of adults hating their job is honestly too normalised and it worries me. Obviously I’m not naive enough to think everyones doing their dream jobs and to be perfectly honest, capitalism and the fear of being penniless leads us into doing whatever we can to make ends meet. However, what you do to make ends meet doesn’t have to drain your life and your soul.

I’m writing this from a place of experience, from working jobs I hated and also being in the habit of complaining about them and it’s bad. It’s bad for your mental health, your emotional wellbeing and your general sanity because you become encapsulated by pure negativity. I’ve left jobs because of this and honestly it feels amazing to be out of the negative atmospheres.

Even if you’re in a horrible job, try not to indulge in too much complaining because then the negativity lingers, and when that process starts, it’s hard to recover.

I know it’s all easier said than done, but please let’s stop putting out more negativity than positivity. I hate people who post about ‘positive vibes’ but they’re onto something you know.