Goodbye 2019 – My Last Post In This Daily Blog Project (365/365)

Goodbye 2019, it’s really weird to say farewell to not only this year, but this whole decade and it’s honestly been a wild ride. Not only does this mark the end of my daily blogging ventures, but it’s the beginning of many other things in the works. I can’t believe we’re here, this year has both gone ridiculously fast, but also really slowly at the same time.. although that might be because I’ve written many of these posts last minute and that has made every day tangible to me (if that makes any sense).

The year started off with a shit load of anxiety, I was worried about work contracts, realising some subtly racist reasons that I was even in that position. I’ve essentially worked three different jobs.. maybe four if you count a department I supported whilst doing two of those jobs and every job was wildly different. I didn’t really have a lot of long term career thoughts for a lot of the year, especially as I was in an angency that had no path I could take without licking a racist arsehole – so I found an alternative and it’s been good so far.

I’m definitely in a better place now than I was this time last year, I was even talking to my cousin about it all and it’s mad how a year can change things – Yes I’m aware how digustingly cliche’d that whole sentence was, but it’s my last post of the year so please allow me to throw them in as it’s the only time I’m actually allowed to.

Writing this blog was a very conscious decision I made to help me get back into writing and give me an outlet whenever my mental health was waning.. which happens a lot. I realised what happens when I don’t have healthy outlets and that was 2018 in a nutshell, I partied too hard, cried too hard and was generally surrounding myself around weird crowds and even people who took pleasure in my vulnerably angry state. So this year I decided to change that and I’ll go into the next decade with that same energy. As much as I enjoy socialising, I’ll keep it with the right people, as not everyone is worth your time and you really need to go with your gut in most cases.

This year marked many beginnings in my career and personally as I had the privelege of starting a podcast with two of my best friends and it’s been regular and fun to do. It may never reach a million hits, but in all honesty it’s a lot of fun to do and we went in with very pure intentions and a willingness to learn about the technical side of things when it comes to set ups and equipment.

I also started going to the gym at some point which was honestly something I never saw myself doing and although it was fun, I had to take a pause as my brain started to do the thing where it punishes you for not going enough or eating right or seeing results. I’ll probably go back at some point, but I’m not willing to slip into unhealthy habits just to lose a few pounds.. it’s not worth it in my case.

I’ve learnt a few things this year as well, and although I’ve written them down I might as well write them again because it’s my blog and I can do whatever I want:

  1. Don’t spend time with people outside of work if they give you a bad gut feeling.
  2. Don’t always talk about racism around white people, they can’t always handle it and it’s not worth dealing with their emotions.
  3. Spend time with people you truly love.
  4. Tell those people that you actually love them.
  5. Instead of saying you’ll do something, actually do the thing!
  6. It says a lot about someone if they’re not happy about you when you’re succeeding.
  7. Not everyones crazy compliments one another.
  8. Don’t spontaneously decide to live with someone when it’s a dodgy situation and your gut feeling is bad.
  9. Also, don’t do it if everyone you know is telling you not to do it!
  10. If your friends don’t like someone (a friend/partner) it might be worth evaluating why they don’t like them.
  11. Some friendships end and that’s ok.
  12. Sometimes you have say how you’re feeling, you can’t always let it bubble up.
  13. If someone judges you about your movie/music/tv taste don’t bother with them, they’re a pretentious twat.
  14. Not all arguments are worth having, but some are!
  15. Don’t go out with your work colleagues when you’re in the dark place.
  16. When you give out your last fuck over a situation, you’re a dangerous specimen… choose your actions wisely.
  17. It never hurts to be a little petty about things, because some things are worth bringing petty energy into.

There’s probably more to write about what I’ve learnt but that would enter a realm of revealing personal things about me that I don’t feel comfortable including. 🙂

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, I still can’t believe we’ve made it this far in this daily blogging journey. That doesn’t mean this blog will cease to exist, I’ll just be posting less frequently and might actually have time to edit it all.

Happy new years and let’s go into the next decade with a more focused, positive and healthy mindset!

Image result for new year anime meme 2020

My Twenties Are My Lost Childhood (349/365)

It must be because I’m the oldest girl in an immigrant household, but I didn’t really have a childhood in the sense of bliss, innocence and freedom. I was, like most girls in my situation made to clean and babysit, I was responsible for everyone if my mother went out or wasn’t feeling well. I was essentially the second mother to everyone and I didn’t really get the oppurtunity to be stupid, make mistakes and not be responsible for anyone.

Despite the fact that I do still have responsibilities and even more as I’m working and navigating adult life, I really have taken the oppurtunitiy to live the life I wasn’t able to when I was younger, and it doesn’t always end well. Sometimes I go a bit too crazy and wild, but at the same time I feel like women in my situation should be allowed to go a little wild later on in life, especially when we don’t have a marriage or children to think about. We’re not bringing shame to anyone, and we’re not having to revise for any important exams. We have our own money, freedom of time and movement, and basically a whole world out there to explore.

This post isn’t really going to be a long one, it’s more of a ramble as I don’t have a lot of time to write todays post and I’m facing the consequences of crashing my friends works Christmas party last night. If I wasn’t worried about my family reading this post, I could tell that story, but alas, I can not so I’ll just tease it instead. It was an interesting night and honestly I’m still piecing it together, but it’s also because of that night that I realised that I really am just taking life for what it is and not letting any archaic rules or cultural expectations dictate what I do in my free time.

So for everyone who wasn’t allowed to be a child when you were one, live it now. Just do it, I know it’s not easy and not everyone will understand but it’s honestly good for your soul and your mental health in the long run!

Reflecting On My Petty Week (328/365)

So this week I wrote a series of posts as a petty reaction to people’s response to racism – yes the posts were a reaction to a reaction, it was like some bastardised version of inception but through sheer pettiness and honestly I’m not even mad about it. I should probably feel a little shame for reacting the way I did, it wasn’t very adult and I didn’t write those posts with the best intentions – but at the same time, I still stand by everything I wrote.

The post that circulated probably shouldn’t have been written this month, I had a plan, and the plan was to write about workplace racism next year because I’ll be able to organise it around the glassdoor review I wanted to write about the place. However that didn’t happen, I got bored one morning and decided to write a mini expose because I forgot that people who used to work with me had me on social media, I also forgot that a few of those people were friends with the racist.

I just didn’t plan it properly, but I am still laughing at the whole situation. I find it funny because I found out accidentally through hitting up someone and it just came up in conversation – she never planned to tell me so it was all pretty coincidential. The people I thought who would tell me didn’t, although I’m not really surprised because I’m half sure some of them are the reason it spread (80-90% sure). It’s all just funny, because although I write a lot about past experiences at work, I honestly don’t care for the place anymore, so the fact that people who rarely spoke to me have gathered to talk about it and read the post is just funny.

They probably still think it’s all an overeaction but I don’t expect anything more from them, they are all either racists or enablers or both, and honestly I’m glad to see the back of them.

One question that has come to my mind is that whoever encouraged him to read it really isn’t a good friend to him, I was mean, truthful but mean and honestly I knew that people from this workplace lived for drama but I forgot about the extent they’d go to find something to talk about it. Although I did get views from all of this, I felt uncomfortable about it all once I had a few days to actually think about it all.

I’d love to write more mini series, I feel like they do well but it’ll also give me inspiration for content for a good few days, and as we reach the end of this daily blogging challenge – the struggle for content is REAL!

Hating Your Job Is Too Normalised (311/365)

I’m not entirely sure how to write this one so it might be short, but the concept of adults hating their job is honestly too normalised and it worries me. Obviously I’m not naive enough to think everyones doing their dream jobs and to be perfectly honest, capitalism and the fear of being penniless leads us into doing whatever we can to make ends meet. However, what you do to make ends meet doesn’t have to drain your life and your soul.

I’m writing this from a place of experience, from working jobs I hated and also being in the habit of complaining about them and it’s bad. It’s bad for your mental health, your emotional wellbeing and your general sanity because you become encapsulated by pure negativity. I’ve left jobs because of this and honestly it feels amazing to be out of the negative atmospheres.

Even if you’re in a horrible job, try not to indulge in too much complaining because then the negativity lingers, and when that process starts, it’s hard to recover.

I know it’s all easier said than done, but please let’s stop putting out more negativity than positivity. I hate people who post about ‘positive vibes’ but they’re onto something you know.

F*ck Everyones Expectations (306/365)

Anyone relate to being told that they should grow up to become a doctor or a lawyer and get married and have children and then reaching the age where you’re making these decisions and not wanting to do any of them. I’m aware I’m quite lucky that my parents (whether they want to or not) sort of give me the freedom to make my own choices, they’re not pressuring me to get married or anything, but I know deep down they wished I did when I was a little bit younger.

I’ve also watched a lot of my dear friends face aggressive pressure from their parents to get married, almost as if picking their life partner was a life goal that needs to be acheived, and when they expressed not wanting to do this, they’d be faced with a lot of emotional blackmail and guilt tripping which is honestly very fucked up when you actually look at it. Your life should be about you and not anyone else – but sadly not everyone has the privelege to live like that.

Not everyone can run away, move out or do anything for themselves without massive ramifications, so I’m going to try to tread lightly with this post as I know that despite the fact that my family do need me, they don’t pressure me about my life acheivements and despite me saying I’m going to tread lightly, I still have one major point to stress and it’s in the title.

Fuck their expectations of you.

I know it isn’t always easy and sometimes it’s going to cause a battle, arguments and a lot of emotional blackmail, but sometimes if you really want to do what you want to do, you’re going to have to fight the good fight, and if it’s difficult – plan the good fight.

Not all of us can walk up to those pressuring us and say our feelings so sometimes you have to finesse it, manipulate them, get them when they’re in a good mood, and really cultivate a good plan because some people live in situations that can get violent, aggressive and some could even get kicked out and I never want to give advice that would fuck you over in the long run.

So make a plan thats catered to your situation, find out how far you’re willing to go and don’t listen to anyone who won’t take your situation into account. If they’re living a life where they can do what they want and think everyone can do the same, then they’re not going to give you any advice that’s worth taking.

A simple ‘fuck it’ mentality helps though, it’s something I started doing over a decade ago and honestly it helps. Sometimes I just think ‘what’s the worst thing that could happen’, assess my options and if it’s something I can live with, will then think ‘fuck it’ and do the thing anyways.

I know that doesn’t really go with the stereotype of that mentality as it usually doesn’t require a lot of thought, but remember that point I made about some of us not having the privelege to do whatever we want – well that’s why I make my assessments. I’ll admit, there have been a lot of times I’ve forgotten to do it, and sometimes it works, other times it doesn’t, but it is what it is and I can’t spend forever crying about it – lifes too short for that shit.

Once you sort of get to the place of no longer caring about everyones expectations of you though, it’s like a weight has been lifted, apologies for the cliche but it honestly is. You’re suddenly able to see things through a different lens and live a life that you want to live or at least try to. Once you finally let it all go, you’re able to focus more on yourself and not everyone else.

So fuck everyones expectations of you.

If you want to pursue a career in law, art, writing, whatever go fucking do it.

If you want to be a house wife/husband – go for it.

If you want to get married and have loads of children have fun, just make sure you have the money and mental health for it.

If you don’t want to get married – go for it, and ignore everyones judgements!

Live a life focused on what YOU want to do, and have fun doing it, life’s too short for caring about everyones expectations, it takes a while to fully get rid of it, but it’s something thats definitely worth doing!

200 Days of Daily Blogging (200/365)

Another milestone, another blog post to celebrate the milestone. I know I keep saying this, but I honestly didn’t think I’d make it past 3 months, let a lot maintain 200 days of blogging. I’m honestly shocked, but since I already wrote an emotional celebration post for the ‘half a year’ milestone. So I’ll just leave you with a gif, and honestly thanks for continuing to read my blog posts. Any ideas would be much appreciated 🙂

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Should I Write More Personal Posts? (159/365)

Writing posts every single day has always been a really ambitious project, I never expected it to skyrocket, bring fame or really amount to much – I just needed an extreme excuse to write again. One thing I’ve noticed whilst browsing my lovely website is that it’s slowly become very feminist and mental health focused, without a lot of personal experience. So I’m having a mini connundrum about where to go with this, should I be focusing more on personal experience, or keep things as they are.

On the one hand, I don’t really want to discuss super personal things online or even in real life – I specifically have a limit about what I’ll tell people and once the limit has hit they won’t get any more. Part of its a defense mechanism, a lot of it is because information is power, and I’d rather not have a lot of people have that kind of information about me.

The other issue is I’m aware people I work with read this, now I don’t mind saying I’ve dealt with mental health, because it’s 2019 and if finding someone who hasn’t experienced it is rare as hell. Or they just aren’t aware of it because the stigma is very real and some people still believe that mental health isn’t that important. The whole ‘just deal with it’ attitude is very alive and real.

On the other hand a lot of social media people and anyone who promotes anything creatively online do share their personal tales. I believe a part of it is that anyone following them see’s them more as people, and to be honest it’s hard to be invested in a robot. If people don’t at least share their personality then why would anyone take the time to consume their content?

I know speaking about personal experiences is not limited to mental health, there’s a lot of other life stories and a lot of them I don’t mind writing about. Some stories are also very funny and informative as they’re tales of my personal fails and honestly it could help people not make the same mistakes.

So what are you thoughts, should I be writing more personal posts?

What Living Away For University Taught Me (103/365)

Living away for university is the closest you’ll get to truly being an adult, while still having a bubble of protection from the outside world – and I recommend that people do it. It teaches you a lot, while still having some form of togetherness. It’s not all fun and games, and the beef between the people you live with can get real. You find out a lot about someone when you live together, and during the ages of 18-21, you’re developing a lot as a person.

I remember when I first went to my flat with my mum, we found my room and she then went back to Birmingham. At this point I thought everyone just did that, and when I saw everyone elses parents stay and check out the university with them, it was very weird. Living away taught me everyones relationships with their parents really vary. I don’t mean in a ‘woe tis me’ kind of way, I’m the oldest girl in a Somali family so I never expect or want to be babied excessively.

You get the people who call their parents every day, ask them for help constantly. Then you get the people (more like me), who sort of just don’t consider calling them for help. It’s a weird one, because like I said earlier, you’re not really an adult at this point. So watching people navigate university and seeing those who rely on their parents still sort of was a culture shock. I never really judged people for this, I found it cute, because even though we were attending lectures and thinking about the future, they would still take the time to call their families.

Another thing I learnt was that not everyone can cook, and we all have different ways of making dishes. I was lucky in my first year, I lived with three other girls and honestly we were a great unit. We cooked together and really enjoyed each others company. Plus we could all cook and showed each other the different ways our cultures made different dishes. When we would go to other flats or speak to other people it hit me, there are actual people living off takeout every single day.

I have no idea if it’s because of my culture, but my mums main condition for letting me live away was learning how to cook. It’s a weird one, but she really wanted to make sure I was eating well, maybe it’s an African thing, but it was her only condition so I learnt quick.

Living away also builds a lot of strong bonds. Since at this point most people are used to having friends, but leaving them when they go home. But if you’re all living close to one another, YOU SPEND A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER. This can be both good and bad, some do get overwhelmed. Thankfully, I spent a lot of time with people who understood I needed time to recharge, because they were the same.

Cleaning habits are so important with the people you live with, and you will have petty fights over stupid shit which will be escalated through mess. I don’t know what it is, but you’re either messy, or a clean freak – an inbetween is rare for a university student in my experience. So this will cause fights, and you have to learn how to navigate other peoples feelings since some fights can be slept on, but some require communication after.

I remember in second year I lived with someone who was extremeley messy, left food out to rot, and generally just cluttered our kitchen. Since I’m passive aggressive I left notes out and really looking back, I should have just taken the time to speak to her about her mess, but when you live together, your petty side will take over.

One really important thing I learnt was that it’s ok to talk to people about things – this seems basic as hell but it was a vital lesson. Since everyone has something going on in their lives, and assuming that your life is the hardest is how you end up in the pits of depression. So taking the time to open up and talk to people really helps, and you never know, in doing this you could also help someone else. Through my three years I learnt that almost everyone I spoke to had some form of mental health problem, so it’s important to take the time to speak to them, but to also listen to them.

The last thing I’ll leave you with is – girls night outs are really fun. Sorry its a life lesson thats gender specific but honestly they’re so much fun. Whether you go out out or just dance in your kitchen, just taking the time to dance and have fun is something I really recommend everyone should do.

Uni in general is a weird time, you’re technically an adult but mentally you’re no where near being one. So just take the time to have fun and go with the flow. Don’t feel too much pressure to ‘find yourself’, just open yourself to meeting new people, and soak it all in! 🙂

Posting Everyday for 100 Days So Far (100/365)

Hello all!

In case you didn’t know I’ve now been running this blog for 100 days and wow it’s been a wild ride. I started 2019 wanting to do one main thing and that was to write more. So naturally, being the person I am, I thought about just setting a ridiculous goal and challenge myself to write a post every single day of the year. I’ve always wanted to try it, and it’s something that would require planning and effort. I honestly didn’t think I’d make it past the first month, let alone the first 100 days, but here we are.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you plan it, anyone can do it really. There’s been a lot of positives with running a blog, with the first being very obvious, I now have a place to write stuff. I’ve always had secret blogs in the past, but this is one that’s public, open and I quite like it. It’s nice, I know a lot of people tend to stick to one topic and focus on that but in all honesty that’s not my style. A stream of babbles and consciousness is more my style since I want to write about different things, and in doing so, even learn new things.

A nice thing that’s come about is actually having conversations about the blog with people IRL. I’m genuinely surprised by the amount of people who have come up to me saying they have been reading the blogs, of course they’re mainly people I know personally, but it’s nice to actually have people I know take the time to read the blog. I do always appreciate the time it takes to read them, since a lot of them are a hot mess.

At the very beginning of this blog journey I was super organised, and planned many blog posts in advance. I had my head screwed on and wrote a list of ideas and dedicated time to write them. Like all good things, that came to an end, mainly due to my actual life, sometimes I become super busy and don’t have the time or mental energy to write. Yet somehow I’ve not fucked it up (yet). It’s kind of forced me to stay on top of it, since I announced on Instagram that I would be doing this project, and even though I don’t have a large following, I need to actually put 100% in. So I guess what I’m trying to say is for the next 100 days, the plan is to actually plan.

Blogging is also good for the mental health, I’d definitely recommend it. You don’t even have to make it public or known, but having a space to just write helps.

Let’s see if I can make it through another 100 days 🙂

Post Uni Part 1: Magazine Misadventures (5/365)

I graduated University back in 2015, and like every naive graduate who wants a job in the creative field, I was very intimidated by the job market. It was competitive, I felt like I every entry-level job wanted me to have 5 years of experience and to top it off I was hell-bent on being a writer, despite not being based in London.

Now I know people do ‘make it’ and live their dreams by doing their creative love as employment, but that isn’t the case for everyone. So I did what any idiot does, an unpaid internship.

Now here’s the thing about unpaid internships, they lure you in with the promise of paid employment after 3 months if you ‘prove yourself’. So like any young person desperate to get the big break I worked my ass off for free. I started off writing for an online magazine as a gaming writer and eventually moved on to write about anything and everything. Spoiler alert, even after 3 months they still had no intention of paying me or any of the other writers in the team.

My first few weeks there were also interesting since they started to implement themes of the week and I joined during sex week.

This magazine had weekly meetings to keep up to date about what everyone was working on, talk about which articles did the best and also occasionally teach us some things. During sex month however it was very different since sex articles tend to do the best, we were encouraged to brainstorm some saucy ideas.

Now don’t get me wrong, this wasn’t what made me uncomfortable. What made me feel gross was when one of the key management members, an older man, asked us all (teen girls included), what we would wear to have sex, and asked us one by one pressuring us to answer this question in front of everyone.

The second week it escalated, and he asked everyone what we would do if we got raped, and gave no room to not answer this question. Which was when I realised I was in a f***ed up place, but me being desperate to live my writing dreams I powered through.

Naturally like every place that sucks the souls of youth, they asked for more and more commitment from all of us as writers, but no monetary gratification at all. I even started a podcast with the two other gaming writers which didn’t do well because the people running the magazine didn’t understand or care to learn how to market things in the new digital age (ironic I know).

When one of my friends left and wrote an honest glass door review and Facebook status about his experiences, one of the managers called him and threatened him with legal action and to also tarnish his reputation with his university professors.

I could write a dissertation on the place and their acts, but honestly, it opened my eyes to the dark side of the creative industry. I’m thankful I got the chance to learn skills like SEO optimisation and how to use WordPress from them, but it wasn’t worth the emotional labour involved.

Stay tuned for part 2 where I write about another magazine that’s run by a communist.

All images are taken from unsplash.